Ke$ha in different currencies:
Ke£ha,
Ke€ha,
Ke¥ha.
Lucky she chose USD… British KePoundHa or Vietnamese KeDongHa might sound a bit odd
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*Opens Facebook, closes Facebook
*Opens Insta, closes Insta
*Opens twitter, doesn’t sleep for 3 days
Who called it “unplugging the life support machine” and not “pulling the RIP cord”?
Interviewer: says here you’re a sniper
Me [opening gun case]: affirmative
Interviewer: is that a Supersoaker with a Pringles can taped to it
If you weren’t supposed to stab people then they wouldn’t have been made so squishy.
Cop: we know you’re in there.
Me in a French accent: I am not ere, I am in France.
Cop: when will you be back?
Me: je ne comprends pas
IM ALMOST POSITIVE THATS JUST A COOKIE
Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.
Curling is an Olympic sport.
What about Straightening ?There are women who can do
amazing things with a flat iron.
Called Comcast to see about dropping my service and long story short, If anyone wants to watch Showtime, call me on one of my 36 landlines.
Hear me out: a Menstrual pad shaped like dinosaurs called The Jurassic Period
My favorite drinks are coffee, whisky & ranch dressing.
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
dogs go woof
and cows go moo.#PoetryDay #RubbishJokes
[First date stroll in the park]
Me: So you work at the planetarium?
Date: Yeah.
Me: Thats so cool *points to the sky* What’s that constellation called?
Date: The sun.
Me: Let’s start a mom and daughter journal!
12: It’s called texting.
Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.
I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter
I can’t go to jail…
I have serious food allergies!
I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.
I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie
Nothing makes sex more awkward than realizing your kid is awake…
and standing outside your door…
and playing the harmonica.
-You’re gonna love our date at that place where treasures may be hidden
-Wait..will it be romantic?
-..
-I told you 100 times, you can’t trick me into going to the garbage dump again
I can’t stand fake people.
Unless you’re with me and we are faking that we are sober for a cop.
Then you need to be Oscar winning fake.
Pizza Hut: May I take your order?
Me: Can you make a large pizza vegetarian?
Pizza Hut: Yes, but don’t ever call me vegetarian again.
Now that it’s fall, I’m considering encouraging my wife to find a boyfriend so I get some free hoodies.
Brain: If we leave now we’ll be on time for once.
Body: Ten more minutes then.
“Yes, waiter, why does it say “there ain’t no rats in it” next to the lasagna?”:
Cause there ain’t no rats in it
“But why woul
AIN’T NO RATS
My phone has been on silent since 2015 but will still check to see if it’s my phone if I hear a phone ring in public
Take your girl camping and your relationship will become more in tents.
Not Sorry.
There’s a crying baby on my bus and I’m all “shut up baby, you’re not the one going to work.”
Do your part as a parent by helping prevent teen pregnancy.
Let your child play the tuba.
Tuba players never get laid.