MY BODY: You should exercise
ME: That sounds good
MY BODY: Because it’s heathy
ME: Yeah!
MY BODY: And makes you feel good
ME: Definitely!
MY BODY: Let’s go exercise!
ME: I’m lost
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i’m a 10 (tion deficit)
One of these days I will remember I’m wearing a mask before trying to shove a straw in my mouth to drink something but today is not that day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.
[someone stops being my friend]
ah that’s sad they must have died
“Forever” is just a romantic word for “until we get bored or one of us dies”
At a job interview “What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive thinker”
“Can you give me an example?”
“Yes, when do I start?”
Me: [to myself] ok, act cool
Crush: nice weather today
Me: thanks
In Hell, you’re surrounded by people saying ‘suposably’ and ‘irregardless.’
I remember a short time in my life when I didn’t like hot dogs. 5 is a challenging age.
CTRL + C and CTRL + V another window
spider: I need 4 pairs of pants
assistant: might I suggest, instead of pants, a dress
spider: I’ll give it a try
[later]
spider: *twirling in a billowy dress* I feel fantasticassistant: very attractive, sir
What smells better than it tastes?
A nose.
Watching fireworks is like listening to a kid’s story: you have to pretend to be enthralled every time, but in reality you lost interest after the first 3 minutes.
*Tears off break away pants as I approach the breakfast buffet*
3-year-old: *dumps Cheez-its on the floor*
Me: What are you doing?!
3-year-old: Feeding the Roomba.
Him: Would you like to have lunch sometime?
Me: I like to have lunch every afternoon.
whoever decided how to spell camouflage is a terrible terrible person
Dammit! Woke up before I went to sleep, again.
Californians complain when it rains then complain when there’s a drought. Cmon guys do we wanna be wet or not!!
[during sex]
ME: I’m Italian, how about you?
HER: Finnish
ME: Ok sure just give me a second
[first date]
Her: omg are you wearing a cape? Lol
Me: [texting mom] ok you were right about the cape
I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more
losing the office zoom costume competition to GRAPES <<<<<
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
HOUSE: I had dreams but no I’ll just stay here & let u live in me, fine whatever
WIFE: Did u hear something
ME: It’s just the house settling
Never forget.
Winner of unnecessarily terrifying headline of the year announced:
I think I’ll make spicy masala mixture for a curry to serve alongside some naan bread and chai tea, in other words:
spicy spicy mix mix with bread bread and tea tea
My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.
When I first heard the term hang gliding I thought the Americans had invented something even more theatrical than the electric chair.