[parallel universe where horses are the dominant species]
horse on a road trip: *pointing at me in my front yard* humans.
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me: *doing the hokey pokey, turning myself around*
therapist: ok what was that all about
an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
“kill them with kindness” wrong. crow attack
🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛
ME: I’m taking it back.
WIFE: It’s fine, just sit down and eat your lunch.
ME (already at counter): How much do I owe you for the onion ring in my fries?
Triscuits are great because it reminds us that our gums can get splinters too.
30% of Republican primary voters nationally say they support bombing Agrabah. Agrabah is the country from Aladdin. #NotTheOnion
Me: I have a case of the Mondays.
Lawyer: that’s not a thing.
Judge: but it should be I’ll allow.
If you say “I’m fine” while squirting a can of whipped cream straight into your mouth, people won’t believe you but they will also leave you alone.
My husband’s on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.
Admit it, no one really knows how to use the memory function on a calculator. We’re all just too embarrassed to ask now.
The most realistic thing about Stranger Things is how much time kids in the 80s spent without parental supervision.
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: 24 glasses of milk
Cop: Milk? Why were you driving so erratically?
Me: I was hoping I’d get pulled over so I could brag
I try to compartmentalize, but then I remember that’s how they built the titanic.
Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
There.
Hi, I’m Nancy!
Them: sir there’s no food allowed in here.
Me: this is my service burrito.
*comes home from poker night earlier than usual looks at wife while picking up the dog and leaves without saying anything*
Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch
I asked my wife what she wanted for dinner; she said “Surprise me”. So I broke a beer bottle across the counter.
I’m still very hungry.
Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait…
What if giving up is overrated?
Ended a date early one time so I could come home and eat my hawaiian bbq leftovers before anyone else got to it
Today’s affirmation:
I am open to recieving pizza. I deserve a life that is abundant in pizza. I surround myself with people who have pizza. Pizza.
My type is 12 pt Helvetica.
Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.
not to brag but i don’t need alcohol to send texts i’ll regret
Justin Bieber was “Baptized” last night….
Or as the church likes to call it… “A failed attempt to drown Bieber”
This is the way the world ends.
Not with a bang but with a Zoom meeting that never ends due to technical issues.
I only took my daughter to work with me once when she was little.
She cried cos she was expecting to see all the clowns I said I worked with.
A 23 yr old girl just said I feel like I see people & I think they’re my age then I find out they’re OLD!! Like, THIRTY!!
So I killed her.
Them: hey wanna go to the movies later?
Me: sure what time?
Them: 8:30
Me: *laughs in over 40*