My family lived on such a tight budget growing up that whenever there was a light at the end of the tunnel, my dad would turn it off.
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I have been revising my financial goals for 2023, and I think I am going to start saving up to buy a boat. A gravy boat
– at a ramen restaurant –
Me: slurp
Me: sluuurp
Me: slur-
Friend: stop, the food isn’t even here yet
Me: im practicing leave me alone
I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie
I just bought a couple of Christmas presents and got a text from my bank like, “Bro, what are you doing?”
Failure isn’t an option? Just watch me.
If they could bottle how good it feels to take off your bra, that would sell for more than any expensive wine.
Enough with the fist bumping. I never understand what is happening. This time I held my hands open because I thought he was giving me M&Ms
The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding
good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.
I haven’t had a boyfriend in so long I’m down to my last hoodie
ME: *taking a massive hit of universal healthcare*
DAD: *pounding on the door* what are you kids doing in there?
ME:
DAD: Are you doing socialism in there? Open this door right now
Motivational Speaker: “There’s a Lion In Everybody!!”
The Lion In Me:
*thinks my friend Liz’s full first name is Lizard* Lizard. Listen to me. Why are you laughing. Lizard be serious. Lizard please
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do you have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“No.”
What base is it when he says, “Stop calling me. We broke up three years ago”?
A wise man once told me,
“Sir for just 50 cents more, you can add cheese to that”
Happy 10th birthday to your dating profile pic.
It’s gonna be interesting to see who the aliens enslave and who they let go free. I for one have always thought aliens to be wonderful and superior in every way.
I was reading a book with my 7yo where a teacher was getting married and INVITED ALL HER STUDENTS and then the students started SECRETLY PLANNING THE WEDDING to help out and I was so stressed out like “wtf, how is this gonna pan out, these kids don’t know how to hire a band”
mike tyson is short for michael thankyouson (i’m so sorry)
[walks into Halloween party with a hot dog taped to my head]
“What are you supposed to be?”
ME: I’m not wearing a costume
I can be back in bed in about 16 hours.
~me, every time my alarm goes off
Utility company website: Are you a bot?
Me: No, but if there are bots trying to pay my utility bills, mind your own business.
There’s no point using Latin phrases if you don’t understand what they mean, and vice versa.
If you can’t say anything nice, say something funny.
Yesterday I wrote an email to a customer named Trish where I apologized profusely, took ownership of our mistakes, and explained we would do anything to correct the situation. I averted disaster two seconds before I sent it when I saw my typo in the first two words, “Dear Trash,”
Flat earthers be like ‘you wanna go bowling’ and then start throwing frisbees at the pins.
I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.
COWORKER: turn that frown upside-down!
ME: *rotates head 180 degrees along vertical axis as eyes go black and lights flicker*
CW: uuhh…
The recipe I’m making specifically says “allow to cook undisturbed,” and yet my whole family is standing around in the kitchen