Me: I’ve never met a toilet I couldn’t clog!
Job interviewer: …And a weakness?
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Accidentally deleted an invitation to join LinkedIn from a friend. I doubt I’ll ever get an opportunity like that again.
Me: look who came by for a little sucky sucky
Vampire: don’t say it like that
It takes my husband longer to choose a rental car online than it did for us to choose the names for our sons.
I’m a man of conviction, but no jail time.
Hey it’s cool we’re dating and all but when do I get to… you know…
(whispers) boop your nose?
If by chipper you mean woodchipper, then yes, I have a chipper personality.
Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy 😛
The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.
Hey girl, you smell like you’re going to give me the wrong number.
Yesterday I watched Rogue One, featuring a cameo from Carrie Fisher.
One hour later she was dead.
So today I’ll be watching Home Alone 2.
Day 3 in quarantine. My mom made me check my 11 year old brother’s search history. He has searched “how tall is goofy” and “why do Mormons have so many trampolines.” For his sake, I almost wish I found something bad
What are you gonna argue about with your family this Thanksgiving?
1. Minimum wage
2. Police reform
3. Why are there raisins in this, Louise
As an automobile advocate, I am begging people to stop using the term “Accident” and instead use “Car interaction”.
Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I’ve learned that I don’t need to use so many paper towels, and they’re expensive.
More people would get the booster if it came with fries.
Strange to think that exactly four years ago at the start of lockdown in the UK we all began stockpiling pasta, yeast and toilet paper. Those were some of the worst meals I’ve ever eaten.
*in public restroom*
Mom in next stall, to toddler: No, honey. You don’t take your shoes off to go potty. You have to leave your shoes on.
Me, in my stall: *quietly puts my shoes back on*
The right sneeze can adjust a tampon.
[on my deathbed]
me: a….ah…..
wife: what is it!! what are you trying to say?
me: ah…… alexa…… play despacito
pep talk
Just read that the average woman goes on 7 diets in her lifetime and I was like “wtf” because I’ve been on 7 diets since lunch.
Hey, girl at the gym that keeps moving to the opposite corner every time I get on the machine next to you, yes, I feel the chemistry too.
[after divorce]
I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.
Some people wake up in the morning & are all like “omg I’m the luckiest person in the world” and I wake up all like “oh my god”
A dog that talks pfft, I’ll be impressed when I see one picks up his own poop.
My diet was going really well until I woke up.
The rain was bonkers in Brooklyn today. When I got to the MTA station, all the trains had stopped running! But on the bright side I stayed and got scuba certified.
If a vampire gets AIDS from one of its victims, is it considered an STD or food poisoning?
[Obamacare Meeting]
*Biden raises hand*
*Obama sighs* Yes Joe?
Will the doctor still have lollipops?
Sure.
*Entire Congress sighs w/ relief*
No longer performing, members of Dire Straits are now advising other bands.
They are consultants
They are consultants
They are con-sul-tants of swing