They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.
– Reasons why I drink
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Me: What do you need to watch out for while trick-or-treating?
Kids: Cars
Me: And…
Kids: Wine moms
Every time i tell people i want to be a comedian they laugh. See, im that good!!
“Four Weddings and a Funeral” is my favorite movie with 25% as many funerals as weddings.
Saw a girl wearing a hoodie, shorts and UGGs. My stepdaughter said, “Seasonally challenged sluts are the worst.” I am beyond proud.
A fun thing to do is sign your kids up for a class they’re dying to take and then listen to them complain about it for the next 8 weeks.
Kids be like “I didn’t know where this heavy roasting pan went so I put it on top of a structurally unsound pile of tupperware.”
I jumped out of bed at 6am trying to catch the ice cream truck because I heard the music in a dream… so now I’m awake and I have no ice cream, this is bullshit
Another day, another round of men asking, “Why are women attracted to this mildly unconventional looking dude?” Honey, every woman you know has a crush on the cartoon fox version of Robin Hood, and this is what baffles you?
A boogaloo is just a haunted igloo.
It’s not a bad movie if you fell asleep because clearly you needed a nap, not a movie.
I went on a date in 2003 with a lady who talked exclusively about how great she was, so I started to agree and then add fun facts about the Thundercats. She didn’t notice, but told me I was a great listener and her friends that I didn’t try to kiss her because I’m gay.
ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box
PRISON GUARD: Still no
what’s for dinner?
ME: indian
we had indian last night
ME: i know, but i forgot to do the ‘i see a little sillhouetto of a naan’ joke so
Twitter: Worchest… Worce… Woostishire, haha this word is so hard to spell, am I right?
Also Twitter: GIMME ALL THE SRIRACHA
Our dog runs away so much, I’m just going to spray paint our phone number on her side.
My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.
Curling seems like the kind of game Mr. Miyagi would’ve made up to trick Daniel into cleaning his floors.
How much did Santa pay for his sleigh.
Nothing, it was on the house.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
*races to airport
*hurdles though security
*sees her at boarding gate
*shouts her name
*romantic music swells
I RAN OVER YOUR CAT
It’s so hot today I went to see the ex just for the cold shoulder and icy stare.
ME: it’s spelled “kevin” but pronounced “kev-a-vin”
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
ME: you haven’t even hired me yet
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
Playdates were invented to force parents into cleaning their home.
Narrator: We’ve replaced her mace with Axe body spray…let’s watch
[camera zooms in]
Woman: *SPRAYS purse snatcher in his face*
Him: AHHHHHHHHHHhhhey girl, whassup? *winks*
Nobody:
Baby Carrot Factory Foreman: “Carrots are nice, but how about we pour a cup of water into each bag too?”
I’m gonna start selling supplements that make you less healthy. Call them Smiteamins.
Him: I’m drowning in bills
Me: You should sign up for paperless
Me: I’m here for a good time, not a long time.
Climate Change: Actually, you’re here for neither.
I bought a bag of M&M’s and they don’t have M’s anymore. They all have W’s… for woke
When the intruder towards Virat Kohli at Eden Gardens – VK couldn’t control his laugh seeing policeman’s reaction 😂
Money doesn’t impress me. You know what does? Treehouses.