me: they’re having a special, buy 3 dvds get 1 free
wife: so why do you have 4 space jam’s?
me: …because it’s buy 3 get 1 free
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My ATM password is four digits and my Twitter password is a complicated one because I wouldn’t want anyone to log in and post embarrassing tweets.
I think Argentina is quite capable of deciding who it wants to cry for. Stop being so bossy Eva.
Aquafina is Spanish for “tap water in a plastic bottle”
wut hotdog?
Venn diagrams. You either love ‘em or you hate ‘em. Or you’re somewhere in the middle.
“work hard so your future self can live a good life”
pfft, what has he ever done for me?
[Dinner with GFs parents]
*Does shadow puppet of a bird*
“Thats great but I asked what you do for a living?”
Um *smooths tie* I’m unemployed
Going to a baby shower and I’m real nervous, do they just kind of pour down on you? If you catch one do you have to keep it?
Get your kindergartener a watch so you know what time it is every minute you are together for at least a week please tell me it’s not longer than a week
People who don’t reply to your messages within a second are so annoying. Also the people who expect your reply within a second.
Can’t wait for the day off from work so I can sit on the couch at home and stare at the TV screen while thinking about work.
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: why
Wife: because you always make up lies to get me intrigued
Me: well then I guess you’ll never find the buried treasure
“p” in my name stands for patience and that’s why it’s not there
My parents have been together for 40 years, and I don’t even like seeing the same cashier twice in a row at the grocery store.
waiter: need help with the menu?
me: yes, what’s this word here
waiter: the name of the restaurant, sir
me: and how is that prepared
I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.
I just have a thing for really bad cookies.
[hunting]
“In order to attract the stag, I perform the special call”
[clears throat, cups hands round mouth]
“COME OVER HERE, ANTLER JERK”
ME: (before I bought a fanny pack) I wish I had something to carry this baby
ME: (after I bought a fanny pack) the baby doesn’t fit in here
I almost wish the guy I’m stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.
Every time I forget to feed my cat, I thank god that I wasn’t a teen mom.
Because that child would not be OK today.
Offering $50 and a case of beer to anyone who can take out my alarm clock and make it look like an accident.
American: Your forest fire smoke is disgusting. Keep it up there!
Canadian: Sorry, but have you tried building a wall about it?
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself five years from now?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
So I just moved into my new apartment.
Directly below me is a police station.
It would appear that I am above the law.
Rihanna was named the sexiest woman alive. Is it really necessary to specify “alive”? Are they worried someone will dig up bodies & compare?
“So how was your date?”
I talked about my obsession with reducing fractions too much
“That wasn’t a good idea”
Yeah well, hindsight is 1
him: *dying* avenge me
[later]
widow: ok who put him in the thor costume
Me: *flirts*
Anyone watching:
Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.