Heard someone on TV talking about a “decades old” song and my mind immediately went to the 1970s.
2001. The song they were talking about was from 2001.
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I’m just like King Midas except everything I touch complains to human resources
Can’t. Busy getting sized up for a sister wife by the dude at tractor supply.
DOG 911: what’s ur emer-
DOG: A FURRY THING IS BEHIND ME
DOG 911: can you bite it?
DOG: I CAN’T SPIN FAST ENOUGH
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.
Smooth Criminal: I use a razor
Smoother Criminal: I get laser treatments
Smoothest Criminal: *it’s just an Asian guy laughing at them both*
Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout
My husband said when I wear my hair on top of my head, I look like a pineapple or a genie. I told him to pick one fast so I can decide where he sleeps tonight.
“Post Malone” is British for “mail my mortgage payment.”
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
I sleep naked because I want burglars to feel weird.
Me: *yells something
Wife: I can’t hear you
Me: *whispers something under my breath
Wife: I heard that!!
And then he tweeted…..
“SEE YOU IN COURT”
After just LOSING IN COURT‼️
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
In an attempt to be a fun summer mom (I don’t think it’s working), I bought the kids kits for sewing their own stuffies. My son is (I am) sewing a penguin. My daughter is (I am) sewing a llama. Everything is going well (it’s a hot mess and we never want to sew again).
Someone called me a “complete piece of crap” today and I smiled and thanked them. If I am going to be a piece of crap, I would rather be a complete piece than an incomplete piece. I mean, I’m a go-getter. An all or nothing type of gal.
Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest
Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]
Alexa: remind me to feed the baby
[1st date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Her: “I’m a Herpetologist.”
Me: “Great! [pulls pants down] How bad is this?”
[trying to stick a dollar in a vending machine]
vending machine: i have a boyfriend
Judge: you‘re gonna hang
Me: awesome, with whom?
“I wouldn’t.”
I’m not a racist. Racism is a crime and crime is for black people.
INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?
ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.
My daughter now associates height with age and refuses to believe I could be older than someone that’s 5’5”
Let’s be honest, a forced 2 week quarantine will be the only way we’ll ever actually finish the laundry.
“How deep should we make the shelves in this shower wall?”
“Hmm.. deep enough to hold the shampoo, but shallow enough so that a rogue current of air could send the contents of the shelf plummeting onto the person’s toes while they shower.”
“Perfect.”
Fetty Wap’s full name is Fettuccine Wireless Application Protocol.
If Justin Bieber were an insect he would be a Despasquito. im very sorry you had to read this
The first rule of kite club is you do not talk about Benjamin Franklin.