Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes
You Might Also Like
Me: “I’m still tired from all the crossfit this morning.”
My co-worker: “It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ and you ate 4 of them.”
Why wait til you own a boat? name your fridge
*pops stick of Juicy Fruit in mouth*
“Mmm, this is delic…shit, the flavor’s gone.”
“The 27 Worst Things About Going To Stock Photo University” – something I made years ago and I just found it archived, and I’m pasting it here in a thread
My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
this was the best i’ve ever seen
Got banned for life from the vet’s for calling the person who operated on my cat a ‘furgeon’.
My dad’s shop teacher cut off another finger while demonstrating how he accidentally cut off the first one. It reminds of the second time I got married.
Going to a DaBaby concert because I need some alone time, and I know no one else will be there.
If I learned anything from Aladdin it was that if u just keep lying to a girl eventually u will get to marry her and live at her dad’s house
As the pair of scissors steps up to the starting line, the other runners quickly realize that this race just got a whole lot more dangerous.
[Freddy Krueger enters my dream but I’m blasting Rebecca Black on repeat]
Who’s nightmare is it now Freddy?!
The horror and trauma of explaining homosexuality to a child, as told by an internet mom.
Mirror, mirror on the wall, was the dwarfs’ mother high when she named them all?
Me: I just want to sleep!
Brain: AND I WANT YOU TO THINK ABOUT EVERY LIFE CHOICE YOU’VE EVER MADE!
Bladder: Oh & don’t forget about me.
A spider just watched me open a pickle jar and then it committed suicide.
When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she’s in jail. It heals me spiritually
Dandelions are just like regular lions, except they wear ascots.
i swear to god if the house of commons does not stop fighting i will turn this car around
People hate on frozen pizza. It’s tough on the teeth, but so refreshing on a hot summer day.
My 5YO woke me up this morning to tell me she’s upset because her 1YO sibling woke her up. Is this the circle of life I keep hearing about?
Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days
The pottery scene from ghost but it’s me behind you adding more mayo while you’re making me a sandwich.
Great now my sugar daddy just left for smokes
Me: Look to my left.
Friend: We’re facing the same way. Why don’t you say our left?
Me: I don’t like to share.
Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?
Husband: I can’t find the remote. Are you sitting on it again?
Me: No.
Husband: Stand up.
Me: I don’t want to.
Husband: Why?
Me: Because I’m probably sitting on the remote.
*putting dead animal heads on the walls*
People will like this!