10pm: If I fall asleep now, I can get a full eight hours of sleep.
12am: If I fall asleep now, I can get a solid six hours of sleep.
2am: If I fall asleep now, I can still get four hours of sleep.
4am: If I fall asleep now, I can hopeful get two hours of sleep.
6am: If I FML
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One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.
If I die at the gym, please add more weights before calling emergency services
Starting a conga line is a great conversation ender.
“Mom, can you make me a snack and bring it upstairs?”
Me: “No! What is this, Denny’s?”
“Mom, Denny’s doesn’t have an upstairs.”
12: So Paul and I are going to the mall today can you drive us and probably just gonna hang and we might be meeting up with a few guys from school just like you know 12 and can you take all of us and you can take us early—
Me: Breathe
12: I am
Me: I meant me
It turns out if you balance your checkbook when you’re drunk you have a lot more money.
Me: whaddu mean “no”
Donut shop employee: we cannot pump the custard directly into your mouth to “save hella time”
I grew up before google, and as a kid I didn’t know bread was slang for money. Spent my childhood wondering why they put bread in Billy Joel’s jar.
I mean, I’m smart, but I’m no Alfred Einstein.
4: Mama, I’m not feeling so good.
Me: What’s wrong baby girl?
4: I haven’t had spaghetti for so long my stomach misses it. Listen, *puffs up belly* you can hear my tummy cry.
Husband: she bit me
4yo: No I didn’t
Me: how did Daddy get this bite on his arm?
4yo: his coworker
doctor: now let’s step over to the xray machine
ray: the what
I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.
I am crying
Then: I will never lie to my children
Now: Your teacher just called and said that if you let me lay on the couch all day then you get 100% in class.
Looking for a man who wants to wear matching Cheetos pants with me. No weirdos.
me: *knocking* hello is anyone home
mcdonalds employee: we told u last week u dont have to knock
me: oh good ur home can i have one mcfood
ME: My husband of 20 years minorly annoyed me today
TWITTER: Dump him, queen 💅✨
[sexting]
Her: Are you naked?
Me (taking a shit): Yes
An unintentionally hysterical ad offering proof why ‘branding’ always needs a second pair of eyes.
I love hard, but I stupid harder.
I’m seriously considering taking up falconry. Someone pisses me off? BAM! Falcon, right in the face.
If you’re burglarizing a home and the owner walks in, defuse the situation by saying, “I seriously love your place”
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me: kinda feels like Mickey Mouse hasn’t done anything in a while
Obama:
Me: like we all know who he is, but
Obama: but he’s not relevant enough to be The Face Of Disney™
Me: relevance, that’s the word I was looking for
i am going as a ‘credit card’ to this halloween party, cause i plan on being used irresponsibly.
coworker: you’re 37? you look younger
me: i let a demon possess me in exchange for external youth
coworker: ha ha *leaves*
demon inside me: you gotta stop saying that someone’s gonna believe you
me: meh. i’m going to the break room for a donut
demon: ooo get a maple bar
You should feel pretty honoured if I subtweet you.
But the tweet you think is about you, probably isn’t.
Twitter’s hard. Get a helmet.
I think the worst part about the collapse of civilization will be all those people with no way to remove their braces.
“Your son’s been involved in a shenanigan”
What kinda shenanigans?
“It was just one shenanigan”
You called me down here for one shenanigan?
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
This is still funny.