priest: Good Friday
jesus: i’ve had better
You Might Also Like
alfred: you have emphysema
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman: oh
alfred:
batman: *slowly reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir
[Walmart customer service]
ME: i want to talk to the manager.
MANAGER: hi sir is there a problem?
ME: no, i just want to talk.
*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!-Librarians arguing
James Bond is trending so here’s ROGER MOORE in the greatest celebrity story ever. #JamesBond
Just had a cardio workout peeling an orange.
Cheeseburgers don’t make you work to eat them.
There’s an important lesson here.
I don’t think ‘Open Facebook’ was the first step in the scientific method I learned in school
I want a name that can only be written using straight lines, so I’ll be changing my name to Wilx Kivz.
Friends are like bananas.
If you peel their skin and eat them, they will die.
google: please stop
me: more frogs with teeth
SON: dad why is my sister named Rose
DAD: because your mother loves roses
SON: i see. thank you dad
DAD: no problem, My Beautiful Wife
they should invent a device that lets other people comprehend how stupid I know them to be
We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore
Your wife is beautiful, is she single?
[first day as a crime scene photographer]
me: pretty weak lighting in here
*drags the corpse outside*
[boiling pot]
dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
harry: finding these “horcruxes” sounds hard
dumbledore: nah. youve destroyed some on accident and one “might” be you
harry: kinda anticlim..wait wh-
dumbledore: theres also 3 legendary items called the deathly hallows
harry: hell ya
dumbledore: one is your blankey
i put “wake up” and “try to breathe” on my to-do list and long story short it’s 9:30am and guess who’s already had a productive day
Introverted vegans go meetless
Me: Threesome?
Wife: When pigs fly!Do I wish for flying pigs?
Pro: Threesome
Con: High bacon prices*has idea
*starts building catapult
How does one answer this?
I hate it when I’m eavesdropping and people aren’t talking loud enough.
Is it just me, or have KFCs started getting too picky with their ‘no shoes, no shirt, no service’ policy…?
I feel like Donald Trump and Bill Clinton have a $1 bet that Trump can make Hillary president and Bill can make her not president.
Once a year on our shared birthday, my longtime ex texts me & we exchange simple wishes.
This year he added that he has overcome his longtime aversion to feta cheese, so I replied good, feta is delicious you still haunt my dreams.
[interview]
Your résumé says you have a “take no prisoners attitude”. You know you are applying to be a corrections officer, right?
Made a joke in the checkout and the woman called me a rascal. Been high on that all day. I’m a RASCAL. Need to buy a whole new rascal wardrobe
Tier 3 meme