My 5 year old said he was looking for a treasure chest but I thought he said cheddar chest and for a brief moment life as a pirate sounded beautiful
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Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.
I like to watch the murder shows on Investigation Discovery so I don’t make the same mistakes those killers did.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
My girlfriend thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m fuckin’ awesome because I have the bread.
Parents who say they love their children unconditionally have obviously never had a kid choose tuba as their band instrument.
IDEAL UBER DRIVER:
-Clean car
-Doesn’t talk to me during drive
-Plays good music
-When he drops me off tells me he’s my father who left when I was 4 & has secretly followed my life and has always been proud of me
I recently got a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.”
Then when people ask me what it means…
No more eating spaghetti while driving and this time I mean it.
[frog-condom sales meeting]
frog 1: our numbers are down, how can we make the condom more enjoyable for our customers?
frog 2: rib it
frog 1: Andrew, you’re a goddamn genius
I keep getting a message that “Twitter is having issues”
Good job guys…we drove twitter crazy!
Okay. What I don’t get is, is dressing up as a ghost and scaring people away from your amusement park actually illegal? Just because some teenagers and a dog say so?
be myself? the person who got me into this mess????
Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.
I’ll see the eclipse when it’s out of theaters and on cable in 3 months.
They say olive oil is really healthy and you should put it on everything, but it makes my cat look like an otter.
I used to wait for hrs with my finger on the record button of a boom box after requesting a song on the radio. I’m familiar with commitment.
Me: I’m having a heart attack.
BFF: you are not.
Me: I am *burp* oh nevermind
[at a party]
host: would you like a tour
me: no thanks, but hey while I have you here… which room would you describe as “off limits”
Despite what they tell you, my kids love playing the games I make up, like “where did mommy put her keys this time” and “who can spot mommy’s cell phone”
Tempting fate by recklessly eating salsa in my tennis team shirt an hour before I need to leave for my son’s tournament.
Ffs 🤦♀️ I forgot to get skinny for the summer again
I just know I will die trying to pet something I shouldn’t.
me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally
I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I’ve been using them for all this time.
I was talking to someone and combined “all good” and “no worries” by saying “all worries”. Which was a lot more accurate.
A dating site that connects Tupperware containers with lost lids.
me: my horse won’t eat
vet: ok there are several-
me: I think he’s a haytheist
vet:
me:
vet: you don’t even have a horse do you
Careful…I’ve already had our entire fight in my head and it doesn’t end well for you.
[on Mars]
Curiosity Rover: *finds ancient cat remains* ohhh man I just know I’m gonna get blamed for this
Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub