Wife: Want to have morning sex?
Me: For real?
Wife: Yes.
Me: Is this a trick?
Wife: No it’s not a trick.
Me: It feels like a trick.
Wife: IT’S NOT A TRICK.
Me: Did you do something you need to apologize for?
Wife: What?! No.
Me: Okay, then!
Wife: Now I’m not in the mood.
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I pick up my dog’s poop with empty Snickers wrappers. What I do with it afterwards is strictly on a need-to-know basis.
I miss getting my misinformation from less places
Sorry I pretended I was drowning so you could see how incredible my hair looked underwater.
This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.
Little known fact:
Centipede’s are the Metric version of Inchworms.
Some call me Mike while others call me Jesus Christ, Mike.
Mary and Joseph chose to have Jesus in a barn rather than spend Christmas with their families.
CNN got really excited about the #TransAsia plane until they found out it’s not missing so now they don’t care.
My rabbits are hot and they aren’t happy about it. I’ve got hot cross buns.
I’ll see myself out.
Grandma: what’s oversharing?
Me: It’s when you talk about your hemorrhoid surgery on FaceBook.
Mom, here’s a picture of my bf, he’s a musician
“That’s just the stock image that comes with the frame”
ur wrong, mom. Me and DJ 8×10 are in love
judge: do u swear to tell the truth
me: dare
judge: what
me: i choose dare instead
judge: [whispering to bailiff] is that legal
I keep a table cloth napkin and goggles under my bed in case someone beaks in and want to have a pie eating contest.
35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.
Wife: Can you put the gps on mute, turn off the air conditioner and the music
Also my wife: why are you grumpy on this long drive
[guy named mark who successfully used his cloning machine] this is remarkable
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a ‘closed’ sign on a pizzeria door.
when i get married im gonna send invitations to my enemies that have minus ones on them so they’ll know about the wedding but won’t be allowed to go
If you fall asleep after midnight, it’s already the next day- so you really shouldn’t have to go to work until the day after. What I’m trying to say is: I got fired today.
Boss: are you sticking to the schedule
Death: yeah of course
Boss: so you’re not killing anyone prematurely to gain access to their earthly wares
Death: *pauses brand new PS5* what are you getting at Roy
Establish dominance over your doctor by asking what drugs he’s taking.
Hey Walmart, don’t be pissed at me for not scanning everything
you literally gave me zero training before promoting me to cashier.
This edible ain’t shit.
*5 minutes later
Is it just me or is it hungry in here?
Me to fly that won’t leave me alone:
there are gross things in the trash – why are you coming after me?
You’re the unreachable booger of people.
Doctor: You have acute alcoholism.
Me: Thanks, but let me tell you it’s not very cute in the morning.
Officer: I’m arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia. Man: No wait! I can explain everything!
if i was a conductor of an orchestra, i would abuse my power by making them warm up to a stirring rendition of “ice, ice, baby.”
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
*Guy tries giving me his phone number*
Me: Oh no thank you. I already have one