In my DMs there are people saying I’m a shit doctor because I want to lose weight, and I’m thinking wow the public needs to be educated about the various roles in healthcare.
I’m a cancer doctor. A shit doctor is called a gastroenterologist. Follow for more insider info.
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What if a woman was Nunchucks?
– Inventor of Couples Figure Skating
Loan me a couple bucks?
“Sure”
*throws 2 huge deer carcasses on counter*
Dude where did u get those?
“…”
Can I even pay with these?
I want to see the look on the burglar’s face when he opens the drawer full of soy sauce packets, wetnaps, & individually wrapped sporks.
[Date]
Me: So what goes in the bowl first, milk or cereal?
Her: Trick question, I eat pizza for breakfast.
*We just start making out*
A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.
At this point, the only thing longer than 2020 is the story which my 7YO is narrating
My kid is running around the house with an open umbrella draped across his shoulders and got mad because I couldn’t guess he was a *checks notes* vampire blaster mechagodzilla.
Does Rapunzel use the shampoo “Head & Shoulders, knees & Toes.”
My current size is ‘I ate two maple bacon donuts yesterday and had to zip my jeans with pliers today’
*At demonstration
*grabs megaphone – stands on car
‘DOES ANYONE HAVE AN iPHONE CHARGER?’
me: i know things haven’t been going well, but I think if we have a kid together, we can turn this around
boss: you’re still fired
Eggnog is one of my top ten favorite nogs
Sex therapist: Try swapping positions tonight
Me: ok[Later]
Her: Wanna have sex?
Me: No thanks
I’m smart but not “know when to stop eating” smart.
TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it
ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.
Some BODY once told me
Your plums
were in the icebox
Forgive me
for this breakfast disgraceI was looking kinda dumb
with a plate
all full of plums
so sweet
so cold
and stuffed in my face
Netflix to unveil new ad sponsored content in a move that industry executives call “Television.”
Quit honking at me dammit, the stop sign is still red!
Breaking news:
Psychopaths make up about 1% of the US population. Exposing them is easy, just text your friends & check who has their read receipts on.
If my bird identification app can’t pick up a bird I’m trying to identify because your lawn mower is too loud, I’ll drive my car through the side of your house.
Why didn’t Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?
Hugs not drugs. Except, yes drugs and why are you touching me?
You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.
almost feel bad for the wealthy folks that gotta buy things like cobwebs and rats and bats and haunted skeletons of their landlord to decorate their house for Halloween I got all that for free
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
lol so today this bookstore is having what could be its first health & safety inspection in about 258 years and reader I am crying with laughter
they sent a very helpful man who started off super cheery but 1 hour later is acting like he’s trapped in a SAW movie
I’ve had 3 men proclaim their love for me since the Coronavirus hit, so how’s your quarantine going?
Daughter keeps licking water off the shower floor, but she’s our second kid, so we let that stuff slide.