Just undertaken the get on the scales to weigh yourself and off even quicker post-holiday move.
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Go ahead and share your political views at this office party. We’re all friends here.
– alcohol
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
wait.
5: Wait, chicken we eat is from DEAD CHICKENS?
Me: Well, yes.
5: So Chicken McNuggets used to be part of REAL CHICKENS?
Me: Well, no.
Sometimes in the ‘special talents’ section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat
Reverse psychology – only it’s me swapping chairs when my therapist went to the bathroom.
Just saw a bumper sticker that said “supprt your local beaver” or maybe it said “support your local brewer” either way it’s sound advice.
Judge: I need you to digitize all of my case resolutions and then make backups, on a remote server.
Law clerk: You want me to cloud your judgements?
J: You’re in contempt.
I just ate my weight in baked potatoes so if anyone has been thinking about robbing my house, now is the time to do it. I’m not moving anytime soon.
Me: I wish I could see your skeleton.
Him: I love how everything you say is sweet but also vaguely threatening.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again bc I have a terrible memory
Don’t look at me like that, daycare lady. Yes, my 3-year-old is wearing shorts and two sweaters. When I’m late, I negotiate with terrorists.
But my sandwich is so dry!
“Sorry sir, that’s not what we do here at the Mayo Clinic.”
my mom has been using 💦 to describe crying and when I told her to stop it, she made me tell her why and now it’s so quiet in here.
A fake ice cream truck undercover surveillance company called ‘Inside Scoop’
U can give out anything on Halloween it doesn’t have to be candy last year I gave a kid my cable bill it was awesome he paid it & everything
*Takes one bite from every item in the work refrigerator*
Top 5 oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp
2. Civil war
3. Virtual reality
4. Great outdoors
5. Family vacation
i actually took my measurements before ordering jeans instead of just guessing which size i should get and i just tried them on and they fit. has anyone else ever heard of this.
If someone says they like something, responding with “You would” is a highly efficient put-down. In just two words, you’ve implied that a) the thing they like sucks, and b) they have predictably bad taste. Work smarter, not harder.
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
DATE: Didn’t you order peppers on your salad? I don’t see any-
ME: *whispers* Ghost peppers
INTERVIEWER: why did you leave your last job?
ME: they stopped putting Kit Kats in the break room vending machine
Coming soon to NBC: She’s a lawyer who, you guessed it, doesn’t play by the rules. And he’s a doctor who, right again, pees sitting down.
The ancient Egyptians loved cat videos.
Me: Can you hear me?
Ouija board: Y-E-S
Me: Is it hard to hear me with all the updog?
Ouija board: I-W-I-L-L-M-U-R-D-E
*ruins your party with a can of Serious String*
My boss: “Sean, what do you know about Twitter?” Me: “nothing. Why? What have you heard?”