saw a guy at the airport taking a parrot in a cage on board and it’s like bro, why you spending extra money, it can meet you there
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Capitalism is far from perfect, but how would we find the beginning of a sentence without it?
12: So Paul and I are going to the mall today can you drive us and probably just gonna hang and we might be meeting up with a few guys from school just like you know 12 and can you take all of us and you can take us early—
Me: Breathe
12: I am
Me: I meant me
[house being raided]
[swat guy crashes through window, lands on slip n slide I placed there for this exact reason and slides out front door]
The first time I ever had sushi some of the avocado fell out and as I was talking I mistook the chunk of wasabi for it.
This pretty much sums up my life choices.
6yo: Mommy, I hope you don’t have the doctor cut your belly open to get the baby out.
4yo: Yeah, hopefully they just do the way where they squeeze it out.
Me: I’m not sure either of you really understands how labor and delivery works.
For someone so concerned with marriage licenses, God sure was focused on dinosaurs for 180 million years.
I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”
I’m not embarrassed.
I order my gingerbread latte LIKE A GOD DAMN MAN.
(I send my wife into Starbucks while I sit shamefully in the car.)
Liar is such a harsh term, I prefer Politician
Darth Vader: Join me on the Dark Side, Luke!
Luke: I’ll never join you!
Vader: We have flex hours and Pizza Fridays!
Luke: NOOOOOO!!!
My 6-year-old: Why did you give money to that man?
Me: Some people don’t have a home or job & need help. We may not have a ton of money, but-
6: Is that because you keep giving it away??
[Getting murdered]
Me: oh no
Murderer: yup
Me: there’s so many dogs I never got to pet
Murderer: oh no
Thanks McDonald’s for adding two order lanes that require everyone to cooperate and merge so I can be driven to a blinding rage and lose faith in humanity all before I get my fries
First Guy To Compare Apples to Oranges: Apples and oranges are pretty similar.
Other Guy: You’re an idiot. That’s like comparing…well…I don’t even know what, but that’s just stupid. This is why nobody likes you, Carl.
Everybody wants to change the world, but no one can find a diaper that’s big enough.
If they’re old enough to go to school they’re old enough to hitchhike there.
Bob was hungry. He ripped open a new bag of tortillas only to discover a convenient, resealable opening on the other end
But what is Congress going to do about the fact that I made too much pasta last night 😡
[when someone likes me]
*eyes narrow* but I don’t even like me
Lawyers should get walk-up songs in court like how baseball players do
me: wanna hear a joke about a guy who questions everything
her: sure
me: why
adulthood is arrogantly deleting and then sadly downloading tinder & uber eats over and over and over
Me: What did you learn about at school?
10-year-old: States.
Me: What did you learn about them?
10: That there’s too many.
Me: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of coffee
Coworker: But you don’t drink coffee
Me: *stares at them until they leave
dumbledore: you know what this spot needs
hogwarts gardener: rose bu-
dimbledore: a tree that kills students
hogwarts gardener: what
dumbledore: plant the death tree
Cop: You were going 30 over the speed limit
Me: Are you sure about that?
*gives him a handful of Cheez-Its*
Cop: Have a nice day, sir.
I just pressed the Popcorn setting on my microwave and it showed me secret spy video of Kellyanne Conway eating lunch.
Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?
Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: it’s a thumbs down
nurse:
me: would not recommend