*races to airport
*hurdles though security
*sees her at boarding gate
*shouts her name
*romantic music swells
I RAN OVER YOUR CAT
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Found out today my ex girlfriend married a successful businessman. I’m probably better off without her, seems like she has ambition and standards
If two people on opposite sides of the world drop a piece of bread on the ground at the same time the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich
I just gave my cat his lunch and insulin. He is now happily digesting and insulating.
I once worked with a girl that was so hot it was like she lived on another planet. She’d be like “you know how when you go to Subway they always give you free cookies” and I’d be like “no I don’t know that because us ugos have to pay for those cookies”
I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.
Just tell me which one is wrong, the password or the username!! Don’t make me have to guess.
ME: we sure have one great kid
WIFE: we have two kids
ME: yes we do
Stopped drinking coffee 3 days ago, and feel less and less addicted to caffeine with every new cup of my own pee.
They say guys who drive tiny sports cars are trying to over-compensate…
*walks up to guy in minivan*
“Sup?”
trying to convince my wife to stop leaving out food for the scarecrow that ominously gets a little closer to the house each night
Tonight I realized when I’m on video calls I bite my bottom lip like I’m trying to awkwardly seduce everyone on the call. Why am I like this
Was late to my first Fight Club last night so missed the intro rules. Still, Fight Club was brilliant and I’d highly recommend Fight Club.
They say swans mate for life but I bet if I gave a swan enough tequila I could totally get it to cheat.
Octopuses are amazing in that they can squeeze into really tight spaces to hide.
But when I do it, NO ONE is amazed. All I hear is, “Play with us!” from my kids and “STOP hiding under the bed from our kids, YOU ARE NOT an octopus!” from my wife.
[Sigh]
Shout out to sidewalks.
Thanks for keeping me off the streets.
Oh, those stick figures on your car aren’t for the bike riders you hit?
*removes 14 stick figures from car*
These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.
I made garlic mashed potatoes and there isn’t a vampire for miles that is brave enough to come near us.
Coolest part of meeting your new man’s family is to see the surprise look on the wife’s face
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
detective: could you please describe the man who assaulted you
me: [first day as a police sketch artist but i lied on my resume and can only draw popeye] uh oh
victim: well he had large forearms
me: oh thank christ
My wife and I couldn’t agree about whether or not I’m her hero. She’s in the bathroom right now and I’ve hid the toilet paper. We’re about to resolve this.
People with house arrest ankle bracelets get so touchy when you compare them to a dog’s invisible fence.
The loudness of the sound made by setting a plate in the sink is directly proportional to the number of sleeping people you are trying not to wake.
The bananas in my fruit bowl were overripe
Fruit flies everywhere!
I tried to kill them
But I just ended up giving them a round of applause
The extra hour from Daylight Saving Time gave me the opportunity to get so much more housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
Me: Ma’am your pet is loud.
Lady: That’s my baby.
Me: Ma’am your pet baby is loud
As always, Wile E. Coyote’s plan had unexpected consequences.
I just ate some leftover mashed potatoes out of my hair, and I don’t even remember having mashed potatoes