[during sex]
Her: talk nasty to me…
Me: the coconut flavored LaCroix…
Her: omg so nasty
Me: It’s like drinking a suntan lotion & tonic
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my tinder date ended up being a bald mannequin i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the hotel
If I die in my sleep, my only request is that you fold me up in my futon and sell it on Craigslist
You think you’re having a hard day? I’ve had to listen to someone chew AND lick their fingers clean
me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that
waiter: uhhh you want fries with that
My 4yo is asserting dominance by calling me by my full name. I don’t like where this is going
look, men and women are BIOLOGICALLY different. ever since the cave man times boys have loved cars and girls have loved toy ovens
Lifehack: Turn any noun into an insult by simply putting ‘You absolute’ before it.
Examples:
You absolute drum
You absolute fridge
You absolute shed
You absolute goose
You absolute bollard
Funeral Request:
Spread my ashes on a windy day so I get in everybody’s eyes and mouth lol I don’t even like you guys
Absolutely noone:
Americans: I took French at school but all I can remember is fromage.
*Standing in my shower*
I wasn’t being attacked, I was just really trying to hit that Mariah Carey note, officer.
Kylo: I need an N to finish my favorite Vader quote.
Han: This is SpaghettiOs, not Alphabet Soup.
Kylo: Great. Now Vader says, “OOOOOOOO!”
Fifty shades of grey is my favourite movie about English weather.
what idiot decided to call it “the Iliad & the Odyssey” and not Troy Story and Troy Story 2
If you were the birthday gift I bought my daughter 3 months ago, where would you be hiding?
me: i refuse to put the word “dad” in my handle and make all my tweets about parenting. i love my son but i am still my own person and need to maintain my own identity.
them: weird way to start a custody hearing and what is a “handle?”
First person to use a pillow: this is way better than leaves
First person to lay on a pillow: ok I smell shit
Girl: I like good boys
Me [trying to impress her]: *shapeshifts into a pack of smiley golden retrievers*
looks like stacy’s mom has got some competition
*Walks into brothel*
One chicken soup to go please
[literally every petting zoo]
Zookeeper: wanna pet a goat?
Me: [shrugs] I guess
Zookeeper: k cool. Cuz we got, like, 90% goats here.
Want to annoy the man in your life? Pronounce MMA “mama”.
Friend from out of town asked if he could crash on my couch. Had to explain to him that I’m married now, so that’s where I sleep.
If you haven’t told your kids that wine is made out of whiny children then congratulations I guess you’re a better parent than me.
captain: listen up, i need some help writing the number two in roman numerals
crew: I I captain
If a bear attacks you, play dead. Ok good, you’re about to feel like this forever
My charm is that I break people down over time; like waterboarding or marriage.
[date]
Him: So where are you from?
Me: According to my parents, I was born in a barn.
Top 5 things to ditch in 2017
5. Debt
4. People you don’t like
3. Facebook
2. Drama
1. The bodies
Me: I won’t force religion on my child
Also me: *decorates 3’s room in all Marvel stuff*
Husband: “You should try going to bed earlier.”
Me: “You should take the 3yo to work with you.”
Him: “I’d get nothing done.”
Me: “EXACTLY.”