If I were a bumblebee, this leg hair would be an asset.
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[animal noises] it’s only those with a destination who can be lost
Sing like no one’s listening
Dance like no one’s watching
Rub up against the bus stop like no one’s going to call the police
Them: if you could be any animal wha-
Me: rotisserie chicken
I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want
Gordon Ramsey: Tell us about your dish
Me, a dad: Just eat it because I’m not making anything else
ants in the garden ? Run a hose from your bbq gas cylinder and put it into the ants nest and turn it on, just a little, removed hose and carefully light the hole… what could possibly go wrong??
ANCHOR: Now over to Mike for the weather.
ME: IT’S REALLY WEATHERY RIGHT NOW, CARL, WITH MORE WEATHER TO COME! THAT’S IT FOR THE WEATHER!
I fell down the stairs earlier but thank god my dogs were there to wag their tails and step on me
Nothing freaks me out like when I’m ordering from a Chinese restaurant and I ask “What kind of meat is that?” and they answer “yes”
I remember back in the day when you had to roll up a tiny scroll and give it to a falcon to tweet
People are great at finding evidence that supports their beliefs while dismissing any evidence that contradicts them.
I never scrape my back window so when I back out of parking spots I let Jesus decide if I’m gonna kill anyone
Detective: the suspect is described as having “really lame skateboard tricks”
Suspect #1:
Suspect #2:
Me [holding back tears]: I bet the suspect is also maybe described as a beginner who is trying his best
A street preacher told me that gays cause floods, & my first reaction was to call my friend Ben & ask him what other rad shit he could do
soft pretzels come one of 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
I love how Men’s bathing suits sometimes have that tiny pocket where you can hold two quarters, just in case you’re paying to get on the Ferris Wheel in 1922
Me eating dark chocolate: Mmm healthy choice! This is basically a vegetable.
It’s okay to get rid of the boxes for the electronic thing you’ve had for the past four years
My sex life has improved so much I’m thinking of asking someone else to join me…
Wife: Whatcha doing?
Me: Re-enacting Noah’s Ark.
W: How?
M: I’m gonna try to fit 2 of every animal cracker in my mouth.
W: Idiot.
M: Mmmrrf.
Facebook game requests are like the Jehovah’s Witnesses of the internet. No matter how much you say no thank you, they just keep showing up.
Husband and I were blissfully happy for 25 years.
Then we met.
if u put a disguise on a cow then legally the cow is incowgnito
I feel like a voodoo doll living in a Barbie world.
Farms in Mexico are measured in Hectors.
The White House released this completely unedited photo of today’s turkey.
If you pitch a non-superhero, non-remake, non-sequel film in Hollywood they send your family to a work camp.
WIFE: you need to stick to your budget
ME: the spatula broke we need a new kitchen
{at sports arena}
*kiss cam pans to me just as I take a huge bite of a hotdog
Me: *panics and seductively licks mustard off my lips.
The software development process
i can’t fix this
*crisis of confidence*
*questions career*
*questions life*oh it was a typo, cool