Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
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The travel toothbrush has to be the greatest invention ever. Can you imagine having to lug around one of those regular heavy ones?
EARTH: Goodnight Moon
MOON: Goodnight Earth
EARTH: Come closer and give me a kiss
MOON: Okay
{millions perish in massive tidal wave}
[flicks cigarette out window]
submarine captain: you fool!
Me: get murdered or die trying amirite
Doctor: then you have three months to get murdered
Me: Well well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own actions.
Him: Please, call me James.
Kids are a great reminder that, when life knocks you down, you can’t stay down for long. No, because literally they’re going to ask you to make them a sandwich like right after.
I understand my credit score the way I understand the tides. It moves up and down and has something to do with the moon I think
Some apples don’t fall far from the tree, BUT other apples catch a good roll and keep rolling…and rolling…and rolling..
a god among men
If you want your dog to take a pill:
1. Get a piece of cheese
2. Eat the cheese for energy
3. Get ready to wrestle your dog
SCIENTIST: I’ve written several books on how to cure cancer.
PUBLISHER: would you be willing to curate?
SCIENTIST: ideally, I’d like to cure them all.
“LOOK, MA!!!!! NO DIGNITY!!!!”
When bagging my groceries make sure to keep the radioactive bananas away from the mercury laden tuna.
That’s too much death in one bag.
Past is the past, it’s all gravy under the bridge.
Me: Has anyone ever told you, you have the softest brown eyes?
Her: No. Besides, my eyes are blue.
Me: No wonder nobody’s ever told you…
Doctor (listening to my heart): You really should stop smoking
Me: I will one day
Doctor: No…like now. You can’t smoke in here
How to woo a woman
did… did they arrest the mountain lions
My boss tries to motivate me by saying I should treat every day like it’s my first.
So I keep making mistakes.
3: mommy! Come look, I made a water fall
Me: oh dear god
Gonna match donations for bail funds up to $100 today. Post your receipts in the comments and I’ll post my match.
me: excuse me where’s your restroom
salesman: it’s for customers only
me: [doing the pee dance] ok I will have one ford explorer please
“Dad what IS the moon?”
It is cheese. Delicious cheese. Thats why rats come out at nite, to look at it. We must never let rats on the moon.
Not now kids. Mom is racing her rubber duckies in the bathtub and this time I really think Javier is going to win.
Friend zone?!
I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!
Alexa, show me where it all went wrong.
MARINE BIOLOGY PROFESSOR: So an octopus can change its color to mimic its surroundings. When octopi do this it’s called—
ME: An octo-lie.
PROFESSOR: …Metachrosis.
ME:
PROFESSOR:
ME: Mocktopus.
A new study says vegetarians
die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…
“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink
if any of you are fans of deep house music blasted at high volume, i’d highly recommend the grocery store around the corner from me.