The real reason evolution started..😂
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My anxiety is so bad I keep thinking that I forgot to shut the garage door and I don’t even have a garage.
I will piledrive the next kid who puts on a shitty movie then leaves the room.
I never know how much to tip a cow.
Ma’am do you know anything about your husband’s death?
Yeah, suicide. It’s awful isn’t it?
You’re saying he chopped himself up and threw his body in the lake?
*sigh* I know, he had some real demons.
A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?
Sometimes, I feel like doing high five on their face
Adulthood is almost as fun as a piñata full of wasps
What I say: “Agree to disagree”
What I really mean: “You are dumb and I will allow you to stay that way”
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 307 times you must be a suitcase on the baggage carousel that looks like mine.
Me: I changed your diapers, I cook our meals – I basically spend my days doing things to take care of you. Pretty sure I can pour fake tea correctly
My 4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: You’re spilling.
When you don’t understand how floors work
HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with:
Dearly Beloved
I wanted to be Batman when I was a kid. So I kept leading my parents into dark alleys in the bad part of town.
I carry a pack of Tums in my pocket in case I run into a hostile plate of jalapeño chili nachos and can’t escape
Waiter: Ma’am, your meal comes with two sides
Me (dragging a cigarette): Everything does, kid. Everything
Someone told me carrots with dry ranch seasoning tastes like Doritos, do not tell me this pandemic didn’t mess with people’s minds. You know what tastes like Doritos? Doritos.
You laugh at me now, but when a giant wheel of feral cheddar rolls up while you’re out walking alone, that’s the time you’ll wish for a can of CheeseMace™.
Me: OMG I love this song
Radio: should I play it again
Me: okay
Radio: fifteen times
Me: wait
Radio: every hour
Me: no
Radio: for the next six months
This took me a few seconds.. 😅
Turns out that the half-acre I bought is in an active tectonic zone. I’m on shaky ground here folks. I have a lot on my plate and it’s all my fault.
If you need another reason to stay off Facebook there’s a “turn yourself into a ‘Peanuts’ character” thing going around.
*goes into Lowe’s for a can of paint*
*leaves with $200 worth of Girl Scout cookies*
*finds own number on a bathroom stall*
Call for a good time!? This is outrageous!
*crosses out good; writes in GREAT*
There. Fixed.
*watching James Blunt mouth “not you” to me after singing You’re Beautiful in concert*
Me: no, Larry, you need to make more friends. Now let’s see how this new sweater vest looks
Larry (a garden gnome):
Me: oh my god you’re so handsome
Still looking for the Christmas presents I hid last year.
If I was on trial and the prosecutor was like, “that man is the murderer!” and pointed at me so the jury all turned their attention toward me, I’d have a hard time not waving at them.
*watches a movie with you*
*loudly beeps during all the good parts*
Scientist: what do u know about atoms
Me: very little
Nothing shocks you quite like finding out your friend’s younger sibling is an adult with a job and family and is not 12 years old anymore.