For Earth Day, turn on your air conditioner and open your doors and windows. If we all work together, we can totally cool this planet.
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One day my neighbors will tell a news crew, “She was nice except she barked for an hour every night at midnight.”
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
I experimented a ton in college. I tried naps in the evening, naps in the morning, sometimes even 3 naps in a row.
I’ve never seen a runner smiling.
So that’s all I need to know about that.
Me: The salad with chicken, cheese and can you put it between slices of bread?
Waiter: So a sandwich?
Me: I’d prefer if we called it a salad
“Yes Wiccan!” -inspirational witches
Welcome to my home! No you’re mistaken, it isn’t a mess, it’s just gallery-style so you can see everything we own at once. Watch your step.
HER: If you could have any pet—
ME: Panda.
HER: Wow. Okay, what would you name—
ME: Pandrew.
I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.
We get it Amazon Prime, everyone relies on moms at the last second too
I accidentally texted “dong” instead of “doing” and long story short, we’re looking for a new babysitter.
😳
[Friday 5pm]
Me: *shutting down computer*
Computer: have a good weekend 🙂
[Monday 8am]
Me: omg you’re still on
Computer: *shaking from exhaustion* would u like to save this
I asked my son to look through the playroom for things to donate to goodwill, and he was so generous about it, within minutes, he came back with a whole bag filled with his sister’s toys.
If you let me, shear’s what I’ll do. I’ll take hair off ewe
I’ve been cutting the chocolate milk with regular milk so it will go further and my kids have never noticed. I would’ve been a really good drug dealer.
SORTING HAT: this kid’s a piece of shit uh I mean slytherin
[First Day As A Director]
Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all french toast.
Son: What are caterpillars afraid of?
Me: It’s unlikely that they experience fear. They’re not self-aware, so…
Son: [sadly] Dogerpillars.
[being buttered]
Me: are you sure about this
Murderer: [stops buttering] you know what I brought the wrong knife
I woke up with a horse’s head in my bed. And straw. And the rest of the horse’s body. And cows. And a tractor. And this is a barn, I guess.
i used to enjoy weather like “sunny” or rainy” or cloudy” i’m glad that 2023 is showing us that it can innovate and give us weather like “smoke”
Worst Excuses For Being Late
5) Too many dragons
4) Out of dragons
3) I’m not late, Steve is
2) Time is fake
1) Made a list of excuses
Me: If you become a lawyer, I’ll disinherit you
16: From what?
Me: …well played
[Whole Foods]
ME: Hi
CLERK: Hello
ME: Do you…uh
CLERK: Do we what?
ME: Do you have any…uh
CLERK: Go on
ME: Do you have any Half Foods?
Trainer: OK this week we are cutting carbs.
Me: Wait, what – even macaroni & cheese?
Trainer: Ya.
Me: …I think we should see other people.
Me- WHOA, let me Google that for ya
CW- Google what?
* (types)why is my CW an annoying dipshit
* makes eye contact
*slow presses enter
[First day as a Scientist]
Boss: We need some petrified wood
Me: *Tells ghost stories to a tree*
Dentist: Do you floss?
Me: sometimes at wedding receptions if I’m drunk enough
her: u excited for the next Star Wars?
me: [sweating] did we win the last one