4yo: Why don’t brother and sister listen?
Me: You don’t either!
4yo: I know but this isn’t about me right now
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No matter how powerless you feel, just think to yourself, one single pubic hair off of your body can shut down an entire restaurant.
me: I want to travel to the victorian era & meet a real gentleman [takes time machine back to 1860 England]
man: 31? what are u my grandma?
Would like to be a man who dies with his boots on, but knowing my luck it will be a day I chose to wear socks with a pair of Crocs and my friends will have fun with that.
jk rowling: every character will have a meaningful arc. harry finds the family he never had
editor: nice
jk rowling: ron faces his fears. hermione questions authority.
editor: what about, what’s his name, neville?
jk rowling: oh, shawty gets DUMB thicc
They don’t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts. Sad.
Nothing is impossible, unless of course you are waiting for the coffee to kick in.
I plan on spending the weekend in a vintage perfume ad (walking, staring, hair, wind).
I think LGBT sounds too much like a sandwich.
Wait, if Disney’s Cars only “eat” gasoline, why do the have teeth?
Me: My sex life is like your car.
Friend: What? Sleek, performance-inspired, 6-speed, classic & acclaimed?
Me: Nope. Electric powered.
I bet you’re wondering why I pulled you over
Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.
I’d like to be alone now please sign out.
16yo daughter; “I love listening to the oldies!”
*plays The Smiths
Me: Uncontrollable weeping
I asked my wife for an audio book and she got me an encyclopaedia. That speaks volumes.
abolish “let me know if you have any questions” in emails
if someone has a question, I do not want to know
instead of eating lunch I just ate a bunch of olives so ….. yet again …..
All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.
*overheard during my 6yo’s Zoom class*
Teacher: Today is the last day of September. What does that make tomorrow?
Boy: January 1?
Girl: Valentine’s Day?
Seems to me these kids are just as ready for 2020 to end as anyone else.
Dongle sounds like just one more thing in Australia that will kill you.
“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected
*chases cat around the house with a lint roller
me: i knocked through a fake wall in my bathroom and there was a whole secret furnished room behind there
friend: you live in an apartment complex
me: oh yeah
What kind of rifle do comedians use?
JK47’s.
Shoot me.
Me: You’re not allowed on the couch.
Dog: Oh yah? Well you’re not allowed to scratch my head!
Me:
Dog:
Me: Didn’t think that through, did you?
Dog: Not really, no.
A spray bottle for people who stand too close in line.
When life gives you chlamydia, make lemon chlamydia?
I call this next one…
That’s Not How Mom Makes It
I never got into House MD because it was too farfetched. A doctor who’s rude and doesn’t listen to you?