ANAESTHETIST: Count backwards from 100
ME: 100..99..98ME: ..3..2..1..um [looks round] now what?
ANAESTHETIST [muffled] You have to find me
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You never really know if you’re out of invisible ink
I introduced two people who then became good friends. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask that every time they hangout they take a moment to say, “Wow, all of this is because of Kevin.”
Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.
My kids are old enough to stay home by themselves, so most of my day is spent refreshing Google Earth to see if my house is on fire.
Don’t be silly of course I know how to make French toast. *cracks egg into toaster*
Singing happy birthday when masked is no longer permitted until we determine who was beatboxing.
[having a little snack before bed]
Me: HONEY, WHERE IS THE OIL FOR THE DEEP FRYER?
it’s fun to yell CHEESE! at a group of girls and watch them switch to their Facebook Poses
Weird how all salons are closed on Sundays, yet if you can convincingly fake a heart attack, paramedics will shave your chest-hair for free.
To keep track of us all in the 50’s mom just hung us up on the clothes line.
What idiot named them twins instead of wombmates?
Me: I can’t think of any life goals
Wife: God could you be any lazier?
Me: ooh good one
“Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening.”
– How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.
GUY: I think I’m done eating
ME: did you need a to-go box?
DEATH ROW EXECUTIONER: again, stop asking them that
knocked on my neighbors door to complain about his hammering and discovered he was hosting a Thor fancy dress party
OKAY BUT WHY DID I NOT KNOW THERE WERE MORE PICS OF BIG CAT WITH PICKLE
I want to open a pizza shop called “Cheesus Crust!” Our slogan will be: “Heavenly ingredients, served hot as Hell.” -or- “Crust has risen.”
About 68% of Americans believe the government is conspiring to hide information about extraterrestrials.
That number would be higher, but alien pods already have transformed 32% of the U.S. population into replicas of their former selves.
I know it might seem cruel, but unless you’ve lived through the horror of a sheep infestation, you couldn’t possibly understand.
i know parents looking like their kids is obvious but the way reese witherspoon hit ctrl c + ctrl v on her daughter is mad
oh ffs josh did you not read the email
adulthood is a constant struggle between “i deserve a treat” and “there’s food at home”
me: *dies*
death: welcome to the afterlife
me: how do I get to heaven?
death: *points* go up those stairs
me: what about hell?
death: *points* go down those stairs
me: and limbo?
death: *points* just duck under that bar
At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die
If you steal my identity you better believe that it comes with 4 kids.
My mom has more confidence in the people of Oak Island finding the treasure than me finding another husband
We have completed this week’s homework and can sum the whole experience up by saying that I’d have preferred to have done a week’s worth of washing instead. Twice.
Friend: Bro, those were sick fireworks! Sorry about your eye, but I think the ER may be busy.
Me: No worries, my wife made reservations.
I lost my phone and it’s on silent. Man! I should’ve listened to Beyonce.