if you cant handle me at my “bit by a radioactive lobster” u dont deserve me at my “using lobster powers to help u gain custody of your son”
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Me: I want a snack.
Husband: You could have veggies.
Me: …I have never felt less heard in this marriage than I do now.
someone please tell my husband that no one can hear him yelling driving tips at them from inside our car.
Today’s PSA:
No one can “get your goat” if you don’t let your goat get got.-You’re welcome
Judge: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
Defendant: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
J: Stop that.
D: Stop that.– repeat offenders
Me: My golf distance is improving. You should see how far I can get my clubs down the fairway now.
Friend: Ball. You mean ball, right?
Me: No.
When a guy wearing cargo pants hits on me I’m tempted to go out with him just to see how many of my belongings I can fit into his pockets.
Tremendous stuff
Come here you little vixen and let me take off your top.
-me to my beer.
A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.
Sure sex is great, but have you said that perfect comeback at the exact best time instead of thinking about it two weeks later in the shower?
Thanks to feminine hygiene advertising, I expected my first period to come out blue.
Imagine my surprise when it was bright green.
it kind of looks like someone just took away their laptop
Might start docking extra points from students who aren’t smart enough to cheat on their distance learning vocab tests.
I meant to take a long refreshing chug of soda, but I had not opened the can, so basically I french kissed aluminum.
I just want a woman to look at me the same way my cat does when I’m eating a piece of chicken.
I dropped my popcicle in the tub. I’m awfully sad. It was banana. Now it just tastes like bubble bath.
If you’re searching for a woman who’s sweet and funny and has her life together then look no further because that one at the table behind me seems like she does.
Sorry I licked my fingers before shaking your hand when we met, but I had Cheetos dust on them and I didn’t want to seem gross.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.
animals really be single moms of 6-8 just holding it down daily like girl what
Sneaking into my neighbour’s home just to raid the kitchen and then accidently setting the house on fire is how I will end up in prison.
evanescence – noun: the process of vanishing or fading out of sight, memory, or existence.
So that’s what happened. Great band name, guys.
Dating: Your eyes hypnotize me
Married: Your eye rolls hypnotize me
Student begins reading poem, teacher interrupts “No this is Creative WRITHING class” Other student squirms around on floor “Very good Todd”
Every surgery is exploratory if you’re confused enough
I take it personally when I let a car cut in front of me and then they immediately get into another lane. Come back you are with me now.
Got a couple of real nice piles of dog shit on your lawn there. Sure would be a shame if something was to… you know, “happen” to them.
I love cheese!
Cheese: I have a boyfriend
no no i’m not stressed i just constantly grind my teeth and clench my jaw for fun.