Rare footage of my parents on their way to school.
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While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.
*buys dog mask*
*shits on neighbors’ lawn*
I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman
ICYMI: Yesterday, MarineLand Canada sent the police to my house because I tweeted “Life is short. Steal a walrus”. Vid or it didn’t happen? Ok:
I have OCD as well as ADD.
Basically, that means I like to keep shiny objects that distract me in an even number of neat, organized piles.
The worst part of waking up from a nap is the noise my coworkers make in the office.
Travelers diarrhea is my favorite illness. You cheat at basketball you get what’s coming to you.
Opera is what happens when someone stabs you and instead of dying, you sing.
LOL pills that say don’t take with alcohol. Ok Doc, how do YOU
suggest I take my medication then?
Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.
Currently binge watching old eclipses to get caught up for tomorrow.
Them: life is so unfair sometimes
Me, thinking of how I’ve never been befriended by a wild animal: yeah it really is
My prompt email replies are 10% due to me being a diligent employee, and 90% due to the crippling OCD that compels me to clear my inbox.
Kind of jealous of how my alarm can go back to sleep after I tap snooze.
What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?
I complained about a crying baby to the flight attendant; turns out they won’t accommodate you if the baby is yours
Interestingly, if we invade North Korea because it caused us to miss a movie, that still won’t be the worst reason we ever went to war.
“OnStar, this is Sharon, how may I help you?” “My penis is stuck in the cigarette lighter hole.” “Is this Brandon?” “Yup.” “I’ll call 911.”
Me: Do you like my jeans?
Her: They’d look better on my floor 😉
Me: *laying down on the floor fully dressed* OK…so now?
Her: ….
me: i was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: ur not even a suspect
me: i just wanted u to know
Look, mom, we can keep arguing about whether or not 28 is too old to live your parents but it’s not gonna help us find my iguana any faster.
[Taken Nemo]
*Clam phone rings*
Marliam Neeson: I have a particular set of gills. I don’t know who you are, but I will find Nemo.
Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.
Why does laundry happen to good people?
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my 4th cup of French onion soup.
Apparently “I had a lovely chat with the tomatoes while weeding the garden yesterday” doesn’t count when your therapist asks you about your social interactions since the last session.
Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?
A bloke just in front of me got knocked over by a runaway shopping trolley and if I hadn’t paused to look at a couple of fish fillets it could have been me. I immediately thought, there but for the brace of cod go I.
Good News: Your kid will finally eat something green.
Bad News: It’s avocados, and now you have to take out a second mortgage.