John Lennon: Here I stand head in hand, Turn my face to the wall—
Me: um, it’s fine if you just count to 20 while we hide
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I hope you catch the bouquet at my funeral.
Mama Bear: The porridge is ready
Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re tired of straining your pasta by pouring it on to your cupped hands and waiting until the boiling water seeps through, try “colanders”. I’ve just switched to colanders and they’ve made cooking pasta a much less painful experience👍
Officer: I’m arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia. Man: No wait! I can explain everything!
[IT guy on phone]
May I take control of your computer?
Me: *Closes two browsers with 10 Twitter tabs & 2 news sites*
Err… sure.
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
Nobody:
Me to my alien: so basically you make a dinner the kids say they like and then they cry because they don’t like that food anymore
Probably good whoever named this one didn’t get to name any other planets.
every tall woman, looking at tall fashion models: okay, but where does she REALLY buy pants?
Batgirl: I have a riddle for you, Riddler.
Riddler: Oh?
B: Notice anything different about me?
R:
R: *jumps to his death from 46th-floor window*
bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more
Blonde in laundromat asks to have
a sweater cleaned.Attendant : “Come again ?”
( not hearing )Blonde: “Nope, Just mustard this time”
My dating history is like Halloween. People pretending to be someone they’re not come looking for handouts, then move on to someone else.
My obituary will say “He always found himself being lured into uncomfortable social situations by the promise of food”.
*spills water on pants*
ok don’t let anyone think you peed your pants
“hey what happ–”
MY WATER BROKE, GET ME TO THE HOSPITAL
Receptionist: “The doctor will see you now.”
Invisible Man: “Finally, a cure!”
My five-year plan? Well, I’d like to learn how to shuffle together a sandwich like you see in cartoons.
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed
Cool thing about LA is that I get to meet dogs who are more successful than me.
English is just 3 languages wearing a trenchcoat pretending to be one tall language
Could you imagine being the Secret Service agent that blocked a bullet for Donald Trump, 20 years later? You wouldn’t tell anyone.
Me in high school: WHY AM I SPENDING AN HOUR A DAY LEARNING ABOUT A SUBJECT THAT WON’T HELP ME IN REAL LIFE?
Me now: Oh boy a new episode of my podcast about dolphin social hierarchies
me: [pooping in a basket]
hot air balloon pilot: ok everyone out.
I wish you’d told me you were happy just flirting on twitter. I’ve already bought plane tickets and murdered my wife.
Everyday is talk like a pirate day if you’re committed and annoying enough
Hootenanny is just one of those stupid made up words, like ‘ambition’ and ‘productivity’.
Fun fact: On national donut day, offer the cop a donut, you won’t get a ticket.
Same with beer.. just not the one you’re drinking..
Wife: Our dog was put down and then my husband died, it was tough
Medium *nodding* he was the love of your life
Wife: Yes of course!
Medium: He has something to say to you
Wife: omg go on
Medium: woof
I saw reduced fat wheat thins at the store and I thought, is this hell?
Me: *clapping enthusiastically*
You: an actual strobe light would be more effective for the dance party, tho