Put this video in the Louvre
You Might Also Like
“And on the 8th day, God created the platypus because he had some spare parts and thought a hairy duck might be fun.” – Genesis 51:12
i catch her eye from across the room
she smiles
i make my way thru the crowd
we meet
“hi”
hi
“here’s your eye back”
thanks nice catch
Marriage counselor: and the puns?
Wife: he hasn’t made one in weeks. I think we’re going to make it
Me: *walking in with food glued on me* sorry I’m plate
I’m at a point in my life where I admire the majestic full trees in my yard and marvel at the amount of leaves I’ll need to rake.
Can’t believe it’s December again, 2023 seems like yesterday.
“What a tangled web we weave”
-Earbuds
When I dance people say it reminds them of a wild hog chasing it’s tail inside a jar of pickles.
FRIEND: I just found out my kid lost another tooth
ME: Really? Which one?
FRIEND: Katie
ME: Wow, I didn’t know your kid named his teeth
He challenged me to eat just one chip.
So I had two. Dozen.
“Describe yourself in three words”
“Lazy”
INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?
ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.
[in the car with the wife]
*I take both hands off the wheel*
Wife: Thank you, that was making it very hard for me to drive
Never ever did it occur to me that in my forties, and as a mother of teens, that I’d be spending my time scolding my parents for leaving the house without my permission.
Barber: What would you like today?
Me: Make me look attractive.
Barber: CAROL! CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS!
Doing LEGO with my son is like assisting during surgery.
6yo: Flat gray piece.
Me: Here.
6: 5 square red blocks.
M: Here.
6: I said RED!
A guy just offered to buy me a drink. I declined, but heard him say lesbo to his pal. I replied “Only for you, baby”. Now he feels special.
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
I’m don’t feel trying anything new, I’ll just have pizza missionary style tonight.
one time i was listening to some really cool people having a conversation when one of them suddenly turned to me & asked, “what are you doing here?”
*first date*
Him: You have a very defined jawline.
Me: Thanks! I chew a lot.
me
wife
me
wife
me: I didn’t know it was for you
wife [covered in soda because I shook the can up when my kid asked for one]
This is enough internet for the day.
Netflix suggested I watch my kids.
The good thing about leading a dull life is that all entertainment seems exciting by comparison. I consider any film where people leave the house after 6pm to be an action film.
Someone stole my identity. And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said “So sorry man. Hope things work out.”
When I was growing up I always loved making sandcastles with my grandmother, at least until mom started hiding the urn.
A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”
me: *blows a raspberry*
raspberry: ah yea baby
Neighbor: Your dog barks a lot.
Me: Isn’t your kid the one that plays her recorder outside every summer?
N: So?
M: So, I can’t help you.
Oh no