According to Facebook, Sept. 11th is about posting as many pictures of crying bald eagles obscured by an American flag as you can.
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If you eat a whole taco before your family gets to the table they won’t know you started without them
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
My cat flicked a spider in my face just now. Soon as I finish screaming it’s time for me to go to bed
[Hair Salon]
Stylist: What would you like?
Me: I want it 2 inches longer all over.
“Can’t wait to see you this summer” they said
“I’m gonna miss you so much” they said
“Stop quoting me” they said
*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*
*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*
1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2…!!
Dean Martin: Oh, the weather outside is frightful.
The weather: *reads my credit card bill*
I bet you don’t believe it, but I lived on Mars for years.
However, only eating chocolate did rot my teeth.
#ChocolateDay #RubbishJokes
I found my husband’s shirt in the dishwasher & his beer mug in the hamper, but the details of this caper have yet to emerge.
[waking up after a night of drinking]
Age 21: did i make out with someone
Age 36: did i steal someone’s dog
Worlds greatest photobomb
“Oh really? Sorry, my emails have been acting funny lately”
They haven’t.
I’m so hungry I could eat this piece of paper.
*adds salt to resume*
Tell the Starbucks barista that your name is Voldemort. Watch for those who don’t flinch when the name is called. They will be your allies.
[on a date with a european]
Hmmm fascinating. Can you tell me about what 400 year old blood feuds your family is involved in?
It’s interesting growing up and learning that most adults are not smart. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
A giant rabbit died on a United flight. One man is suspected of foul play. We tried to reach him for comment but he’s being vewy vewy quiet.
I still can’t find a place with an alligator infested moat for under $2k/month, but I’m hopeful.
There is no try. There is only give up.
me: the good news is I got the job. the bad news is I have to wear a suit
her: that’s not so bad
[next day]
me: *putting on a hotdog outfit* wish me luckher: I see
kanye is pretty mean for someone with yay in their name.
Wearing a rollerblade on one foot and an ice skate on the other so you are prepared for any type of terrain.
Damn girl, are you my Boy Scout troop leader? Cause you’re making me pitch a tent.
Pringle’s: Once you pop, the fun don’t stop!
Me: *covered in Pringle’s shards and grease, surrounded by empty tubes* It’s true I’m having the time of my life
I covered my boyfriend’s laptop in melted cheese and now he’s really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?
Officer there’s nothing in my trun.. [hundreds of dead tamagotchis fall out. The younger cop vomits]
When my date called himself the boogie man I was afraid we’d spent hours in a noisy club. Imagine my relief when we spent hours just randomly grabbing uncovered ankles from underneath beds.
“where am i bro?”
THIS IS SPARTA
“thanks. cute puppy bro”
THIS IS MUFFINS
Become ungovernable.