My doctor said I look pretty & I am taking that as her professional medical opinion no take backsies
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When you’re not sure if people keep waving at you you might need to ease up on the hellocinogens
I think I’ll take the swab. Thanks though.
me: ok so imagine if you were a horse—
my sister: bold of you to assume i’m not, but continue
Me- *Merging in traffic* Am I clear on your side?
13- *continues looking at her phone* Yes
Him: I eat healthily
Me who has just learned the word ditto and can’t wait to use it: say something else
you ever try to cook with friends who swear up and down they don’t know how to cook from scratch? you kind of laugh it off at first (just follow the recipe how hard could it be) and then you realize they don’t know how to chop a tomato
*puts crime-scene photos in a rocket*
Ok stand back
“Detective, what are u doing?”
What does it look like, I’m launching this investigation
Kevin didn’t know how much longer he could fake laugh at Linda’s dumb jokes, but he did know he didn’t want to be glue.
The contents of my son’s last diaper was so upsetting to both of us we shared a cigarette after I changed it.
I like to refer to my psychiatrist as a “serotonin artist.”
God gave you alcohol, sex and music. Why do you all talk about politics?!
Me: ” I’m gonna wrap my bear legs around your head”
Him: ” You mean bare?”
*Me looking at my untouched razor*
“Nope”
You might hate the last couple of years but no one hates it more than people named Alexa
[swimming pool]
me: do you have family changing facilities?
clerk: yes we do
me: ok what can I get for 2 sons and a wife
ME: I shot a man in Reno–
YOU: Just to watch him die? haha
ME: I’m a desert photographer, Russell, you know this.
What I said: Brush your teeth!
What my 4yo heard: Chew on your toothbrush so I have to buy you a new one every week.
My 5 yr old tried to smuggle a baby duck home from the farm.
Like I heard non-human noises from the backseat & had to turn the car around, drive a mile back, & tell the farm people my daughter’s going to rehab for animal trafficking & no, I don’t want to keep a duck for $5.
I found your suicide note and corrected some grammatical errors. You’re good to go.
Asked my 1st grade students the riddle: What has four fingers and a thumb but is not alive? (A glove.) First response: “My Aunt Lydia.”
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
[gym]
Him: Are you using that machine?
Me: *locked in a passionate embrace with the squat rack* it’s CLEARLY mutual
Nothing makes me worry more than the kids saying “Don’t worry, we cleaned it up”
Wife: do not eat a bunch of deviled eggs. We got a 3 hour car ride home.
Me: eh it’ll be fine by then they don’t really bother me.
My guts 2 hrs into said car ride: you’re not gonna believe this…
Thieves have removed motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently searching for Leeds.
me: wow, i wish i had a life as simple as a dog. they never do anything except sit there and nap all day and they’re so content.
also me: *is on the third day in a row of watching netflix on the couch for 9 hours straight*
Imagine being at your therapist’s office and your card declines so your therapist spends the next hour roasting you to undo all of the progress you gained through therapy
Genie: I grant you three wishes.
Bob: I want to be rich.
Genie: Granted.
Rich: I want a lot of money.
Him: You can’t give the cat treats right after he tripped me on the stairs. He’ll think it’s a reward.
Me: It is.
I went into a Starbucks with an HP laptop instead of a MacBook and they took behind the store and shot me in the leg.
і wіsh you could doordash people knuckle sandwіches