saw this in a dream
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If you don’t swear when you’re driving, you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.
Life with a cat in one tweet
What’s a book that is a red flag for you if you’re on a date and someone says it’s their favorite? For me it’s a book of Polaroids of me sleeping, each one taken on a different night over the course of years, sometimes from the ceiling, and some of the photos show me *older*
So when my coupled friends ask me how dating is going, is it appropriate for me to ask how their marriage/relationship is going or is that aggressive?
Friend: “Any plans this weekend?”
Me: “I’m going to Alcoholics Unanimous.”
Friend: “I think you mean ‘Anonymous’.”
Me: “Nope.”
Don’t send me back to bed if you don’t want me sneaking out again.
~My 8 year old, trying out a new tactic
I have nothing in common with people who answer “how are you”, with “can’t complain.”
My spirit animal is fried chicken
I’ve reached the point in my life where I’m ready for a life partner. But I’d probably be just as content with a cheeseburger.
Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.
If your Tesla catches fire and locks you inside it’s not a problem, you just have to look up a ten minute YouTube video to figure out how to escape
How dare my wife accuse me of not helping her at home when I washed the dishes without her asking, just 6 months ago.
me (when my escalator is working but the other direction isn’t): God is on my side as always.
me (when my escalator isn’t working but the other direction is): i am the cursed goblin man
[answering machine]
“Hi Mom, leave a message”
My husband is totally okay with period sex so I dress up like Abraham Lincoln.
*First day as a spy*
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
*flashback to me ringing the doorbell and running away over & over*
Me: Ohhh yeh
i love diet soda i don’t care if it gave rats tumours i’m way bigger and stronger than a rat
therapist: overthinking
me: you mean predicting the future
Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.
Wife: omg it’s happening
Me: what is?
*the lights go out, wind rattles the windows*
Wife: the baby is coming
Me: what?!
Wife: the baby is coming right now
Me: you’re not pregnant!
*door creaks open*
Wife: run
A pasta maker is just a Play-doh toy for adults.
ME: I got us a custom headstone!
WIFE: I’m not being immortalized in one of your dumb jokes
ME: Just read it
WIFE: “Tomb it may concern…”
Me: How are you doing?
4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!
Me: Same though.
[Murderer breaks into my house]
Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”
You probably get this a lot but…
*punches you in the face*
covid positive at the same time as ur long distance crush? sars crossed lovers
There is a very fine line between kidnapping an introvert and taking them to a party.
I’ve got something stuck in my tooth, but instead of flossing I think I will just drive myself nuts all day by trying and failing to get it out with my tongue.
detective: could you please describe the man who assaulted you
me: [first day as a police sketch artist but i lied on my resume and can only draw popeye] uh oh
victim: well he had large forearms
me: oh thank christ