“My, what big ears you have!”
All the better to hear you, my dear!
“And what big arms you have!”
All the… actually this is getting hurtful
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[me telling a joke]
guy wearing a “Make America Great Again” hat: I don’t understand.
ME: There’s probably a lot you don’t understand.
Got fired from my job as a museum guide for telling everyone the statues are all Medusa’s ex-boyfriends.
Jail
The ex-comedian urge to write my own wedding vows so everyone remembers I’m the funnier one in the relationship
As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.
Being a mother is really quite rewarding.
At tax time.
[using my one prison phone call in 2007] yes, one vote for Sanjaya please
Sometimes I feel like I’m cheating on my recliner with my loveseat, in case you were wondering how emotionally invested I am in laziness.
I PowerWashed the scale this morning because it kept calling me dirty names, like fat.
Just caught a glimpse of myself naked –
Apologies in advance to my coroner
“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center
[wine class]
Swirl your wine. Inhale its aroma. What do you smell?
ME: wine
Can you smell its buttery oaky notes?
ME: nope, still wine
Congratulations a celebrity blocked you. You were so annoying that they noticed you through all the Twitter noise. You must be a real prize.
*years from now at my will reading*
Attorney: “it is to my dear children, that upon my passing I give the fortune which I have devoted my life to building its immense value…”
My kids: omg, Mom had a secret inheritance for us??
Attorney: “… my meme collection.”
Do yourself a favour: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit
Friend: Are you on social media?
Me, panicked: What’s a Twitter? Never heard of it. Nice foot clothes you’re wearing today.
*Picks up extra virgin olive oil. *smirks*
“Not for long my friend. Not for long.”
me: genocide is bad
guy: i totally agree, but just to play devil’s advocate, what if it’s actually good?
me: it’s not
guy: *pulling out pre-prepared notes* no i totally hear you, but actually it is
me: a-are those laminated
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
None of the scenarios in which I would require a watch that works 200m underwater are situations in which my watch would be my main concern.
When your best mate counts as a desk too
Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves. You know who you are. I probably should be too, but this isn’t about me.
[Naming Days Meeting]
Guy 1: We need a name for the last one.
Guy Who Named Wednesday: Sudnaday?
Guy 1: Not one more goddamn word, Barry.
I really want another child, but the idea of starting over with another pregnancy/infant feels like Katniss heading back into the arena.
I’m not gaining weight, I’m “retaining candy.”
slapping people across the face with a glove and challenging them to a duel is a good way to end an argument at work.
going to red lobster does anyone need any red lobsters
Maybe Jesus went black, and that’s why he isn’t coming back.
The Purge, but instead of 24 hrs of killing whoever we want, we get to tell our friends that we really think the person they’re dating is trash without consequences.
The CDC has increased the 3 second rule to 2 minutes.