You know why some people wear socks with sandals?Cos they’ve never been punched in the head for it.If you see an offender,do the right thing
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I block people for being stupid.
…I block a lot of people.
Cop 1: There’s been another murder
Cop 2: I think I see a pattern emerging
Cop 1: Please. Put your knitting down and focus
80 years ago we would have all been institutionalized and I think that’s beautiful
Professor: Today’s exam is written. Next week we will do oral
Class in unison: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
When you’ve brought up your child to be kind and never take sides.
Husband: Who’s fatter – mummy or daddy?
Miss 8: You both are.
When someone says “We can still be friends” after a break up it’s like saying…”The dog died but can we still keep it?”
Broke my ankle at 19 years old and didn’t miss a single day waiting tables. Last week I took 3 days off work because my cat had diarrhea.
What’s the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team? The guy would survive the first round.
Movies show people kissing in the rain but I want a guy who’ll run out there and get the cushions off the porch chairs when the weather starts kicking up.
5: You forgot my night-light! It keeps monsters away.
Me: If a monster wants to get you, a 4 watt bulb won’t stop him. Good night, Sweetie.
You like bad boys? Not to brag but I’m bad at everything.
-me flirting
wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?
me: with… with your glasses.
A coworker is being a jerk to me because I microwaved some seafood in the break room so to get back at them I’m going to microwave some seafood in the break room.
A kiddie pool with a carrot floating in it would look odd to you and me but to a snowman it would be horrifying.
Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.
Cashier: sir the conveyor belt isn’t meant for riding
Me: I- I gotta know
Cashier: know what?
Me: *sighs* what I’m really worth.
scan me
After my second “oh shit that’s crazy” it’s time to wrap up your story.
ME: *first day working at LinkedIn* You need to have a DM jail feature
CEO: That’s a great idea
ME: Call it ClinkedIn
CEO: Get out!
Ways to get ants out of your house:
1) Ant traps
2) Say you had a good time but it’s late & you have work tomorrow
3) Set house on fire
Me: a pessimist sees the glass half empty; an optimist see the glass half full.
Wife: [returning from the restroom] why is half my mimosa gone?
Me: because you’re a pessimist.
Drugs don’t kill people, people who run out of drugs kill people
Wife: “Notice anything?”
Me: “Is it your hair, shoes, dress, eyelashes, mascara, lipstick, or nails?”
Wife: “You forgot to wear pants.”
One time in like 2014, Lauren Conrad tweeted “What’s my favourite position? CEO.” And I remember thinking that she ate, I was like yeah, that’s my girl
If I were Amish, I’d have to convert to Pmish cause I’m not a morning person.
Parents these days take their kids to the E.R for scraped knees and paper cuts..
When I was 11 I died and my mom told me to walk it off
My dating life can best be compared to credit card companies that send you a million applications and reject you when you finally apply.
happy friday
If anxiety was good for weight loss, I’d be back to being a molecule.
They say, “don’t hate the player, hate the game,” but I’ve got enough hate to do both.
Not to brag but a girl at this party said I look like the Hulk, of course it was when I was turning green from drinking too much, but still…