I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.
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[Guy on the Death Star who’s really sick of hearing Vader’s breathing but is too scared to say anything]: I’m going to put on some music
A twitter swear jar could end world hunger.
Make sure you’re checking your kids candy this year. Just found a Glock in a Twix bar
Tonight I yelled, “YOU ARE NOT A ZOMBIE. YOU ARE DOING HOMEWORK,” so everything’s pretty normal here.
#KarenAndTheCat 😉
TERMINATOR: I need your clothes, your boots, and your motorcycle
ME: *gliding past on heelys* Do you need anything from me?
INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?
ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.
Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium
Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home
“Dora” only rhymes with “Explorer” if you’re from Long Island, New York
no my tattoos do not have any meaning i am simply a child putting permanent stickers all over myself<3 stop asking pls
Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?
My run for political office would be short but filled with food eating competitions.
[neil degrasse tyson voice] the film is called Home Alone but thats actually a misnomer. in fact, kevin was joined in his home by 2 burglars
H: Is there anything new you want to try in bed?
M: Actually…
*stretches out alone in bed, sleeps for 8 hours*
M: That was amazing.
I went on a date with a dolphin today, we just clicked.
6: I like your necklace
Me: Thank you
6: When you die me and my sisters get your jewelry, right
Me: Not if I disown you first
10,000 chores when all you need is a nap
An eel can swim faster than me, but i could probably run faster than an eel. So in a triathlon it would all come down to who is the better cyclist
My sex life is like Coca-Cola; first it was normal, then light and now zero.
Wife: ” What’d you do today?”
Me: “Tell me what you think I did.”
Zebras? Oh, you mean horse referees
Me: *runs into burning house*
Lady: Everyone is out of the house already!
Me: *comes back out eating their cheese*
If I was meant to exercise, the good alcohol would be kept on the bottom shelf not the top.
I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.
Me: I know panty hose are a little dated but I love how they even out my skin tone
Bank Teller: So is this not a robbery?
Me: No, It is
Went the extra mile today, drove right past my office.
God: let’s put berries on bushes
Angel: Yeah that will be easy food for humans
God: Make some poisonous
Angel: why
God: it’s like a game
Doctor: how often do you consume alcohol; like, once a week, three or four times a week, every day?
Me [sipping wine out of a travel cup]: ummm… occasionally
You light one person on fire and all of a sudden the police drive by on the daily.