Me: I don’t have a jealous bone, in my body.
Fibula: Silently plots revenge.
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Me: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Informant: why?
Me: for spilling the beans
Informant: I didn’t-
Me: shut your fern gully
Informant: what
Me: don’t give me no sammy jammy
Informant: ok now you’re making these up
Me: *leans forward* looks like we got us a bulbasaur
People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.
Wife: “Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!”
Me: “Thanks! I’ve been working out!”
I have a nice body. It’s out in the trunk.
If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.
Dude. It’s just a crayon. Don’t do anything drastic.
Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?
i have never seen a chameleon in real life and i dont know if that means i havent or i have
SOCRATES: The only thing I know is that I know nothing.
ME: Aw, hey, don’t say that. You know things.
SOCRATES: No, I meant—
ME: If you want I can teach you some stuff.
SOCRATES:
ME:
SOCRATES:
ME: *Points* That’s a tree.
me, speaking to my daughter’s class on the importance of eating your vitamins: one time i got lost in the forest for so long i dropped dead & a sheepdog ate my carcass.
some smart aleck kid: if you died then how are you here right now?
me: {i look him square in the eyes} vitamins
My kids just took a DNA test…turns out they’re 100% not listening.
2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod
Naked and Afraid. But it’s just me using the shower at my gym.
[5th Century]
A KNIGHT LIFTS HIS VISOR TO SALUTE A COMRADE
[2016]
I nod to the other guy on the train who also spilled coffee on his crotch
A bird in the hand is worth nothing. Birds are not an acceptable form of currency.
[having a pizza party with 5 teddy bears]
More pizza, guys? Or are you… STUFFED? HAHAHA *eats all the pizza before they can answer*
Found an expired condom. Oh well, still ate it anyway. Hope I don’t get sick!
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
Is it still ‘breakfast’ if you have had midnight snacks in four equal intervals before you woke up formally?
“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.
[Spelling bee]
Your word is Monogamous.
M-O-N-O-T-O-N-O-U-S
*2 Judges stare at each other*
1st judge *nods*
2nd judge: “We’ll allow it”
CPR Teacher: That’s the end of the lesson. Any questions?
Me: If you all want to leave and lock the door I’ll put the dummy away.
Man at the dog park: Who’s a good girl? WHOSAGOODGIRRRRLLL????
Me: *looks around* *slowly raises hand*
The 7 dwarfs of allergy season…
Sniffy, Sneezy, Stuffy, Wheezy, Runny, Itchy, and Dopey.
Now tell me how old your baby is in HOURS.
Even though it means he’s a serial killer, it’s nice when a guy has piercing blue eyes.
Me: But the sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’
Clerk: Pants are implied
Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.