If you watch the movie Twister backwards it’s the story of friendly tornados saving lives, rebuilding destroyed towns and playing with cows.
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I always carry a knife because cake, and murder.
I’m so glad we have a house full of toys for me to trip over so my child can run around happily clutching an old dvd
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
Tried a sample of rosemary mint body wash today and now I smell like a very clean roast chicken.
[harry potter at an interview]
interviewer: it says here you found & destroyed seven horcuxes
harry: that’s correct, sir
interviewer: but no experience creating a powerpoint presentation, wow
not to brag but once I was flirting with this girl and a day later she got back with her ex
It would have sucked so bad for all those passengers when they realized they were on the Titanic
Some woman in this swimsuit department just said, “summer bodies are made in the winter” so I strangled her with my new beach wrap.
Thank you Saran Wrap for so many years of not even remotely doing what I want.
told my kids they were allowed to hit each other once per day so they should really think it through and not waste their one hit and now they’re calmly discussing when might be the best time to hit each other (but the actual hitting has stopped, I’m a genius)
If it makes any grown women out there feel better, I measured the pockets in my 5 yo’s pants and he can’t fit a phone or wallet in his, either
Your baby’s cute. Not baby elephant cute, but still cute.
Minister: Should anyone present know of a reason why this couple should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now, or…
Me: I’m so glad you asked, she still hasn’t returned two of my favorite Tupperware containers.
Why is it, once you pick up a flyswatter, the little buggers never land
I woke up to someone snow blowing their driveway at 6 AM. I taught him a lesson by locking him outside.
her: why is there a duck on your shoulder?
me: he’s my life coach
her: you wanna go to olive garden?
*duck whispers in my ear*
me: that’s a yes
Meow should be an acceptable answer to any question that can’t be answered with yes or no. For example:
-What’s your favorite colour?
-Meow
Now you’re thinking there isn’t such a colour, but you don’t know all colours, and new colours are born every day, so..
My mom loves telling people that I practically raised myself. I used to think she was proud of my independence, but now I realize she’s been distancing herself from blame.
Wife: Can you take the kale chips out of the oven?
Me: Sure. Can you hold the trash open?
“Remember those funny tweets about Keith? And, the Chad jokes? Haha! They were great! We should do those again. Right, guys? Guys?”
– Karen
Women out here dating guys with three felonies
but being a sagittarius is too much of a red flag.
*pulls out earbud*
What?
“We need to talk.”
*pulls out earbud*
“You’ve been spending too much time at Chernobyl.”
*pulls out earbud*
No way
[Jesus entering surf contest]
Judge: What type of board will you be riding?
Jesus: [looks at feet]
They’re using boards?
I just smile when someone says I eat like a horse, because it’s hard to argue through a mouthful of sugar cubes.
This is what makes twitter great
ME: *taking their hand* It’s okay. We all struggle with connecting.
RABBID RACCOON: *hissing & desperately trying to wrench its hand free*
FRENCH IS A MYTH INVENTED BY THE GOVERNMENT TO MAKE US BUY MORE ENGLISH
*logs onto Facebook*
*sees 347 ultrasound pictures*
*logs off forever*
Browsing Prime this morning and clicked “Sort by Price: High to Low” like my life is some sort of rap video.