Sorry I typed “Lucky escape!” instead of “I’m so sorry your wedding has been cancelled.”
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Now I lay me down to sleep
I hope you like this and retweet
If I should die before I wake
I may have eaten too much cake
Why are you wearing that outfit again?
Me: Because I paid for it and I have a washing machine
[MARRIAGE COUNSELING]
My husband: It just seems like we’re really far apart.
Me (on my walkie talkie in the parking lot): You have to say “over”.
Kid at my door: Trick or treat
Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Coffee costs less
Than a dinner for two
There is a very fine line between kidnapping an introvert and taking them to a party.
DOCTOR: your blood pressure is high
MY BLOOD PRESSURE: oh shit is it obvious
if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I’ve got bad news
ME: *pulls an apple from pocket*
DOCTOR: *sweating* GOOD NEWS, I MEANT GOOD NEWS
*Orders something on Amazon because I need a box*
Her: I don’t like you drinking vodka straight.
Me: Well, I can put on skinny jeans and purple V-neck to gay it up a little bit.
They should make you watch a training video and pass a little test before you’re allowed to touch the office coffee maker.
In 10 years they’ll make a Fast & Furious movie in outer space
and they’ll shift gears to go faster.
in space.
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
“Why?” – Socrates and four year-olds
‘I’ve been a very naughty girl!’ she said, licking her lips, ‘I need to be punished . . .’
So he invited his mother to stay for Christmas.
SUN: [explodes]
ME: are you mad at me
Made a pact w/ my wife that if we’re 40 & kids haven’t stopped whining, we’ll meet at top of the Empire State Building so they can’t find us
i’m convinced the only british slang words you’ll ever need in life are tickety-boo & throwing a wobbly
Legacy implies the existence of armacy.
“I don’t need more than 4 hours of sleep” I say proudly while spooning dish washer detergent into my coffee.
Don’t charge people for Twitter itself but charge them every time they tweet
Would stop most of the arguments on here. No way am I spending money debating with Loves_2_Spooge69 on why Spider-man having an extra line on his mask in NWH is ok.
Whenever I see someone with spider web tattoos on their elbows I spray them with Raid and attempt to flush them down the toilet.
ME: I would like a complaint form
ASSISTANT: Sorry, we have none left
ME: I would like two complaint forms
My kids gave me a headache so I left them a scathing review on Glassdoor.
Apparently being a 45 year old man sitting on Santa’s lap demanding the heads of your enemies is just too much for some malls.
when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it
Me: If moths like light so much why haven’t they all flown into the Sun?
Boss:does anyone have any work related questions?
A bold strategy
My almost 80 year old father was scrolling through obituaries the other day at breakfast when he noticed that the husband of one of his old girlfriends had passed away. So anyway my dad has a new girlfriend.