what jerk ever looked at a hamburger and thought “you know what this needs? A nice, soft, warm piece of lettuce.”
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Standing outside your window holding an economy-size bottle of ibuprofen above my head.
Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.
Her: What brings you to speed dating?
Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.
i want wolverine claws. not for violence or anything. i want them for easing my way through reality. like opening an amazon package. or killing a neighbor.
Are these grass-fed oranges?
Everyone in the gym on January 1st
3: mom I did a jump
Me: it was great
3: mom I did a jump
M: you did
3: mom I did a
M: jump yes
3: mom I did a
M: [jumps out window] me too
I work hard so that the possum that lives in my garage can have a better childhood than I did
Welcome to Twitter 2 point Uh oh.
“HOW” – dyslexic owl
Found some beef jerky under my kid’s pillow, and now I have some questions for the tooth fairy
Nothing makes my kid understand the value of money more than me owing them $4.37
Sorting Hat: WAFFLE HOUSE!!
Me: oh, very funny…
TWITTER: Do you want to see this?
ME: No, never
TWITTER: Ok
ME: Good
TWITTER: You will see this less often
April showers? Big whoop, so do I.
I’m praying to 1500 Hindu Gods to help me finish decorating this Christmas tree
Sugar in the bloodstream, I’m the world’s problem now.
They say that blondes are dumb, but I’ve gotten a brunette to marry me too.
If you carry a clipboard, you can call it “research” instead of stalking.
Me: I love you
Wife: I will testify against you if required
(team meeting)
boss: i’ve always had a no nonsense, take no prisoners approach to…excuse me but what’s with all the looks of disdain?
me: what? oh yeah…since we dropped the mask mandate, it’s difficult to remember that my face isn’t covered.
boss:
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
Elephant: [rolls eyes]
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
“We’ll get you another ball, Hank.”
WIFE: Kate’s new baby is 7lbs 11oz
ME:
WIFE: Roughly ½ a stone
ME:
WIFE: 3½ kilos
ME:
WIFE: [sigh] a four pack of beer
ME: Oh cool
My work here is done
ok so i’m watching gladiator and the romans are white people with british accents. ok hollywood. alright.
Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’
Running barefoot, the morning’s dew cool on my feet. My hair flows in the August breeze and I carry with me treasures from my past. I look to the horizon and I see him, my hero. And I smile. For today is Recycling Day and I’ve made it to the curb on time.
me: WTF all the shelves are empty
sales guy: yeah this is Ikea
Today I made a lot of people at work upset by eating my burrito wrong so I figured… Why not spread the joy 🙃