I deserve a reward for backing out of my driveway without hitting one blade of grass, a sprinkler head, or a small tree.
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Christmas inflatables are like college kids, full of life at night and face down on the lawn in the morning.
My kid once got out of bed and Irish step danced down the hall in her sleep. Which I guess was odd but tbh I was just relieved she wasn’t in my bed kicking me.
Hate it when a grand piano falls on me and my head pops out of the wreckage and the keys are my teeth. The experience is simply not for me.
I kinda want one of those priest collar thingys. If it gets me through airport security fast AND keeps kids away from me. I’m in.
Feng shui consultant: The refrigerator shouldn’t be next to the couch.
Me: You’re fired.
Is hitting yourself in the face when you open your car door considered “hot”? Say yes.
[showering] *comes up with cure to every disease known to man
[toweling off] Ah towels are fluffy. Duhhh, what was that other thing again?
HR: You can’t wear a bathrobe on Casual Friday.
Me: *Removes robe*
HR: PUT THAT BACK ON!
Me: Make up your mind.
*Son storms in
‘DAD! Teacher told me that hibernation is NOT a country of stoner bears and that you’re to stop helping me with my homework’
3yo: welcome to my store.
Me: thank you how much for this apple?
3yo: ummm fifty dollars.
Me: wow and these grapes?
3yo: um SIXTY dollars.
Me: geez how about this lemon?
3yo: FIFTY AND SIXTY DOLLARS!
and this still isn’t the most expensive grocery store in nyc
I hate it when people show up at MY house, knock on MY door, and then ask me why I’m not wearing pants.
Oh really? I swallow eight spiders a year in THEIR sleep
“Hi I’m Dave and I’m an alcoholic”
*uncomfortable murmur*
“I’ll be your captain today. Our flight time into Phoenix will be 3 hours and
Rolling your eyes is NOT a design skill.
The children seemed disappointed when I told them the best part about being an adult is going to bed early.
[first day in hell]
Me: *opening google maps* better find this “special place” they said was here for me
me: do you want to feel my face, i’m very handsome
blind date: you do know i’m not actually blind, right?
me: *stuffing ryan gosling bust back into my bag* yes of course
I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.
HELP how do you know if a guy likes you or is only talking to you because you accidentally hit him with your car
3-year-old: Where do people go when they die?
Me: Heaven.
3: I don’t want to go there.
Me: Why not?
3: It’s full of dead people.
Me: My computer broke
IT guy: What have you tried so far?
Me: Everything
IT guy:
Me: I shook the mouse a few times and did some swearing
Me ( handing a student a work packet mom requested): So where are you going next week?
6yo: Mario World
Me: Oh, I’ve never been there before.
6yo: Yeah, but we don’t have room in the car.
Not to get political, but gravy is a soup.
I haven’t been to Starbucks in two weeks and I’ve saved eight thousand dollars.
captain: enemy sub approaching, activate the sauna
1st mate: dont you mean sonar
captain (already in towel): full steam ahead
me: look, I’m just saying things have gotten really complicated, and I think we need to start over
box of plastic wrap:
Why does it have to rain men? Why can’t it rain something useful like Doritos?
Most genies won’t tell you in advance, but sour cream is a separate wish from nachos.
My trainer told me to listen to my body. So now I’m in bed eating a cheeseburger.
When I say, “I’ve always wanted an island”, I meant in the Caribbean, not the kitchen.