One of the perks of being a woman is that no one can ever surprise you with a kid years later and tell you you’re the mom.
You Might Also Like
“My name is Robert and I support apples.”
— Bob for apples
Cop: Do you understand your rights?
NASCAR driver: My what
I’m not making a decision on who to vote for until I see the latest results from dogshit7’s Twitter poll. It’s important to have all the facts.
Being off twitter for so long gave me the time to appreciate what’s really important in life, so I’m back on twitter
Autocorrect changed “you flatter me” to “you flatten me” and shit just got really weird.
How can you call yourself a pervert?
I’ve never seen you at any of the meetings.
Boy are people gonna be upset when they find out the God Particle is black…
Me to 5: Wow, you’re a real…a real pill.
*5 smiles
8: Uh, it’s not a GOOD thing to be called a ‘pill,’ you know.
5: Yes it is. Mommy loves pills.
Waiter: May I recommend the steak?
Dracula: You may not
Me: I want cozy pajama pants for Christmas.
Him: I was gonna get lingerie.
Me: Trust me. VS won’t have your size.
Him:
Me: *jazz hands*
Don’t fight City Hall. It’s a building, you’re just gonna break your wrist.
*signing sign in sheet*
(to myself): This will be worth a lot once I’m famous.
Hospital Nurse: Alright let’s get that pea out of your ear.
Show me your nuts.
Show me you’re nuts.See how important the “you’re” “your” thing is?
I saw some felted wool animals I liked, but if you think I’m paying $200 for felted wool animals, you’ve got felted wool rocks in your head.
Want to know what it’s like to have kids?
1. Gather everything you own.
2. Throw it all on the floor.
3. Pick it up.
4. Repeat for infinity.
Me: Ugh, these edibles are crap. I don’t feel a thing.
Cockroach sitting next to me on the sofa: Tell me about it, sister.
Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”
I’m so tired of all this cheap chicanery! Sir, where do you keep the expensive chicanery?
Therapist: so next time we feel that rage, we stop, we count down from five, and then we….
Me: …sweep the leg?
My husband has Tourette’s Syndrome—
every time he drives.
WIFE: my battery died, do you have something that can power my cell?
ME: [sips from World’s Greatest Science Teacher mug] ᵗʰᵉ ᵐᶦᵗᵒᶜʰᵒⁿᵈʳᶦᵃ
Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.
{Reaching adulthood}
ME: Oh, good, turns out no one knows what they’re doing.{2 minutes later}
ME: Oh, wait, seriously?? NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THEY’RE DOING??
I’m currently in between meals and not very happy about it
It’s with great sadness that I must say goodbye to you all!
My boyfriend and I argued over how much time I spend on here. He said I must choose between y’all or him. So, I’m gonna be offline for a couple minutes while I help him pack & call him an Uber … I’ll be right back
The X-Files will have 3 back to back episodes that are dead serious about elaborate conspiracies where anyone can be killed for knowing too much, and then the very next episode will be like “Scully there’s a dude I wanna check out who thinks he’s a goat”
[marriage counseling]
prince eric: i just feel like the communication is lacking
ariel [frantically gesturing at legs and mouth]: Mm hm HM hm hm MM
KID:Dad what’s the difference between a gerbil and a rat
DAD WHO IS A MAFIA BOSS:A gerbil sleeps in a cage and a rat sleeps with the fishes
I’m sorry I threw up on your kid but to be fair, he threw up on me first.