If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.
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Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.
[going down a slide at 4]: yayyyyyyyyyyy
[going down a slide at 40]: tell my storyyyyyyyy
Spider van
Spider van
How do spiders drive a van?
10 on top
10 below
Where would you like to go?
Get in.
Get in the Spider Van.
dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you’re cooking and you accidentally boil him with the noodles
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
Stop destroying the earth. This is where I keep all my stuff.
It’s so unfair in life you meet the adult equivalents of the bad kids from Charlie & the Chocolate Factory and you’re not allowed to murder them in various ironic ways.
I try extra hard during sex because I never know if there’s a chameleon secretly watching me.
Kale: i strengthen the immune system
Avocado: i’m a healthy fat
Quinoa: i provide fiber & protein
Deep Fried Twinkie: i cause diabetes
Me: six twinkies please
I just saved you $50. You’re welcome.
Me: Now I am become death. The destroyer of worlds.
Him: Stop talking to your burrito and just eat it.
Me: I love the way the rib meat just falls off the bone
Other surgeons: what
My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus
I’ve wasted so much of my life on terrible boyfriends but I’ll never regret the time I’ve spent training my fruit bat Bing to remove all the raisins from my trail mix.
I don’t think it’s rude to keep standing if you go to someone’s house and their furniture is ugly
I like my women how I like my straws ….
Bendy and full of liquor.
Hubs: I want to Marie Curie our house.
Me: Damn you hate our house that much?
Hubs: I think I’m thinking of the wrong person
Me: Did you mean Marie Kondo?
Hubs: Yes!!
Nobody loves a thunderstorm more than a teenager who promised to mow the lawn today.
best review i’ve ever seen
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
“This has got to be the most boring reality show concept of all ti… wait, did they say TORNADO?”
– Me, totally not getting The Weather Channel
Beam me up, Scotty
Seam me up, tailor
Meme me up, internet
Team me up, sports agent
Steam me up, sauna
Dream me up, sleeper
Cream me up, barista
getting home from the airport opening my bag to find nothing but 99 packs of frozen hotdogs. one missing
The best thing about a rabbit is it doesn’t matter how bad a lay you are, everyone compares good sex to you.
So many women brag about finding chips in their cleavage… But if you really want to impress a man, you pull out a meatloaf.
Our Alexa flashes every time we get an Amazon delivery, which is why there are 200 teens at the door thinking we’re throwing a rave.
Don’t measure your worth by how much money you have. There are other ways to evaluate wealth: How much salami is in your home right now? Do you have both a bicycle air pump AND that weird little pin that always goes missing? How quickly could you get your hands on a large goose?
body: you’re dehydrated
me: I literally just drank a glass
narrator: that was 3 days ago
what’s really going on
my kid is in her bed kicking her wall in morse code.
nope, scratch that. It’s either Wheels on the Bus or Bohemian Rhapsody, but I’m gonna tell her either way to go ahead and skip to the end