I’m a regular guy just like you. I put my pants on one leg at a time while thinking about how far I could throw each kind of bird while it sleeps.
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“My favorite New Year’s resolution was to stop trying to reason with unreasonable people. This has reduced both my correspondence and my blood pressure.”
I call my smoke detector Gordon Ramsay because every time I cook it screams at me
I love it when people yell when trying to communicate with someone who doesn’t speak their language.
Thank you for screaming “do you understand?” That was just what I needed to become fluent in your language on the spot.
The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.
you see me struggling as i carry a dozen loaves of bread down the street. “that guy must be a chef,” you think to yourself. wrong. baguette fight club
2020: the pandemic is coming you gotta stay inside
ME: oh no
2021: the pandemic is ending you gotta go outside
ME: OH NO
The first guy to skip a rock was probably all sad and just trying to toss the rock in the pond and was like “well, can’t even do that right”
I do 8 sit-ups every mornin’. Might not sound like much, but there’s only so many times you can hit the snooze button. Merica.
I can’t stop fantasizing about gently, lovingly braiding a squid
I want to live in a clean house but the whole living in it is really getting in the way.
an hour on the treadmill is not so bad if you don’t turn it on.
Personal trainer: How’s your diet been going?
Me: Absolutely amazing
Personal trainer: May I ask what you’ve been eating?
Me: You may not
No one ever prepares you for the moment you find out the song you really like is Justin Bieber.
Paris Hilton is suddenly a DJ?
Well. Then I’m a dragon.
When I get upset, you bet the gloves come off. Problem is, underneath are softer, more delicate gloves.
Was just up a ladder *very obviously* mending the roof when a man ambled over, stood at the bottom and eventually called up ‘Mending the roof are ye?’
Got to reply ‘Aye, once I’ve finished unblocking this sink.’ Never felt more powerful. I am majestic. I could grow antlers.
The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.
as someone who lives on earth rising sea levels are alarming. But as someone who has always wanted to be a mermaid? I’m intrigued
Hey starbucks I’m not using your made up language give me a medium beanwater
Imagine being The Sun and finding out there is an entire line of glasses devoted to thwarting your vibe
My uncle started shouting at me about my “misuse” of emoticons and had a heart attack 😉
Me: Did you cheat?
Wife: Haha yes, what about you?
Me: Haha yes the glass wasn’t really moving on the ouija board, I was pushing it. What did you do?
Wife: Had sex with Dave
Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Musical.
Idk why this guy is alway bitching about his wife, she seems great. When I ate his lunch today the”I love u”note she left him made me smile.
Good thing Brazil won…otherwise I’m pretty sure they would’ve just cancelled the rest of the World Cup.
If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
Imagine if we discovered another ocean. I hope we name it Billy
Last weekend at a friend’s house I shouted “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
*plugs my phone in to charge when it’s at 80%*
*lets the low battery warning on my fire alarm beep for 6 months*