How about a game where Mario gets a job and gets his coins like the rest of us.
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Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.
Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!
I’m not superstitious enough to pay attention to signs and such, but
The supermarket freezer door that holds the cheesecakes just swung open UNASSISTED, and I just don’t think I should question this one guys!!
“How do you speak such good English?” “I dunno 200 years of colonialism and eurocentric education, how do you know so little history?”
me as a new nurse trying to help out in a code
I’VE SEEN SOME SHIT MAN
I have gotten outta bed 365 days a year for 37 years. That is 13,505 sit-ups.
And not ONE ab to show for it.
Dolphins kill more people than sharks. The difference is that dolphins know how to hide a body.
Daily ‘Facts About CHEESE’
Fact About Cheese #3:
“String Cheese. Is not made of string.”
Strange things: the prequel
Stranger things
2 Stranger 2 Things
Strangest Threengs
Strangfour th4ngs
5tranger Thing5
Stranger Things 6: Tokyo Drift
HER: Is that a potato in your pocket or ar-
ME: Yeah. I’m saving it for later.
“What are you doing, Merlin?”
“He said he was cold.”
“please feel free to ignore this email” – respectful, timely communication, probably requesting something that I can handle in a couple minutes
“I need this ASAP” – well you shoulda asked yesterday pal
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
Netflix an..holy shit! How’d you get your pants off that fast?
No one will even notice your holiday weight gain if you start carrying pie everywhere you go.
“Is that a dead body?” I heard a young child ask her mom as they passed me by. So, yeah, skiing is going pretty well.
I’m not doing ANYTHING until he asks nicely
My son – not this again
Cop –
me: man technology is scary af
black mirror: here are some more scary technological things you haven’t even thought of yet
Him: You’re on a diet. Why buy all this candy?
Me: Because the alternative is called stealing.
When the lady at the hardware store pointed down and told me my caulk was hanging out, I nearly had a heart attack!
I have literally never stopped thinking about this
I wonder how Jeff Bezos became the richest guy in the world.
– Me as I take 47 Amazon boxes out of the house
If you’re happy and you know it….it’s the wine.
i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me
ME: [waking up from nap]
HER: *looking angry* when i said i wanted to sleep with you this isn’t what i meant
My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.
I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement.
-Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90’s TV
*disguises myself as a baby so people throw cheese at me*
I once snuck my cat into a grocery store just to show him what a lazy hunter I am.