I used to think chiropractors were useless till I had back problems… Now, I stand corrected.
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Coworker: You look angry.
Me: I’m not.
CW: Really angry.
Me: THIS IS MY NORMAL FACE
I’m not a piece of shit. I’m the whole shit.
If you wear a falconry glove to the park and frantically look around the sky everyone with a small dog will leave.
I think between the two of them, Kim & Kanye had enough money for a box of condoms.
You wanna hot body?
You wanna Bugatti?
You wanna Maseratti?
Then this is an intervention you NEED to stop listening to Britney Spears.
I don’t use chocolate chip cookies to solve my problems, only treat the symptoms.
[ghost writes YOUR DEAD in condensation on bathroom mirror]
“My dead what?”
[ghost writes *YOU’RE]
AAHHHHHHHHHH!
if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
[family vacation]
Son: how much farther?
Me: call me dad
Don’t tell me I’m not spontaneous. I didn’t plan that nap at all.
Interviewer: Why should we hire you?
Me: Well, if you hire me, I will make all of your other employees look FANTASTIC by comparison.
House Hunters:
“We want a slide, cheeseburgers, a clown.”
Realtor: Are you describing McDonalds?
“haha no”
*3 kids tumble out of trenchcoat*
If I drop something in the toilet, it’s gone forever. I am not going in after it. Just ask my daughter. Oh, that’s right, you can’t.
I hate when people call and say they’re 10 minutes away for a “drop-by surprise visit” and I have to set fire to my house.
Don’t ask a pregnant lady “do you know the sex?” obviously she knows about sex she’s pregnant you stupid idiot
Me: *Getting dressed*
Husband: *throws pants on floor beside hamper* “Where are you going?”
Me: “Jail.”
Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?
Co-worker: *tells story*
Me: I’m so sorry to hear that.
CW: What? It’s not a bad story.
Me: No, I’m just really sorry I had to hear it.
Goldilocks taught me that you can get away with breaking into a brown family’s home and stealing their food, as long as you’re a white girl.
Gaslighting one person isn’t enough. I’m scheduling a town hall meeting.
“It’s one of those new Hoverboards!”
9: Mom, this is just 2 Roombas taped together.
“Don’t be silly. Now go vacuum…I mean play upstairs”
[Dinosaur Rap Battle]
We’re gonna win this for sure!
“Wait, what kind of dinosaurs are we again?”
WE’RE RAPTORS! Jesus Christ Owen
It’s like being a teenager again. Gas is cheap and I’m grounded.
she died doing what she loved: looking at her phone while crossing the street
My oldest kid had a little art show this morning, and not to be out done, my youngest did a performance piece entitled: lying on the floor of the art show and refusing to get up
Seeing a woman drinking, smoking, and gambling while in her wedding dress makes me realize I need to up my multi-tasking game.
No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.
Stop playing that stupid game and pick a Netflix movie Arthur!
Me: wow
Wife: *lording over the many amazon boxes* it is a bountiful harvest