I refuse to listen to anyone give commentary on the state of society unless it’s in a Tiktok video filmed inside their car
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Recruiter (calling me at work): Are you able to talk?
Me: Since the age of two.
Coating a few marbles in melted chocolate to mix in with my Whoppers as a surprise for future me.
My wife asked me: “What’s the most risky, dangerous food you’ve ever eaten.”
Me: “wedding cake”.
I find few things more alarming than a toddler with a permanent marker in her hand.
birth certificates really the most pointless thing, why i gotta prove to you i was born bro i’m right here
Krang: My robot body will crush my enemies but they will always be reminded of my brainpower because they will see me through a window!
Henchman: In the h-
K: In the stomach, yes!
it’s cool that your dog can fetch & obey commands but my cat can vomit on the bedspread so quietly that i don’t even wake up and you can’t teach that sort of thing
My account was hacked so if you saw some really weird posts or received some strange DMs, those were the ones that were definitely from ME. Anything else was the hackers.
Punish millennials by making a Three’s Company reference and forcing them to Google it or talk to an elder.
‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am
If only the workout your thumbs get from scrolling on your phone would go to your abs.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: How come Cinderella was able to talk to the mice but not the birds, cat or dog??
Please put away that scary photo, Tina.
That’s my X-ray.
I’m not sure what’s worse: the fact you dated a skeleton or that its name was Ray.
me: i know things haven’t been going well, but I think if we have a kid together, we can turn this around
boss: you’re still fired
Me: I have a lot of work to do.
Windows Updates: you’re gonna have to wait
I’m pitching a show called “Walking Dad” where dads go around biting each other and then the people who get bitten become dads too.
My son is more polite to an Alexa speaker than his own family
Apparently, all it takes is knowing every dinosaur fact in the universe
“Mom! I made you a character in my video game!”
Me: “Cool! What am I doing?”
“You’re angry. I made it just like real life.”
Am I having a stroke?
Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.
when you can’t remember if your friend’s birthday is yesterday or today
I like my women like I like my donuts: round and drowned in coffee.
Me: Damn, there is no better feeling than skin on skin
store employee: Sir, you…you know you know you have to buy that pack of chicken now right?
When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.
People that don’t have dogs, how do you clean up the food that’s dropped on the floor?
airports should have little side-quests available for ppl stuck in a layover
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP*looking for condom in my “Beat It” zipper jacket*
Date: Your profile said you wanted someone to attend a wedding with you.
Me: Yup!
Date: This wasn’t what I had in mind.
Officiant: Do you take this man?
Me: I do!
Breaking News: Man shaped like a garbage bag full of potato salad upset with outcome of sporting event.
My neighbor just pulled into his driveway with a new washer and dryer and now he’s headed this way …. So this gives me about 4 seconds to dislocate my shoulder.