Wife: Can you turn on the oven?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of oven]
Wife: why for everything
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Evolution: so I have some good news and some bad news for you
Dung beetle: what’s the good news
Evolution: you won’t ever have to worry about student loans
Dung beetle: phew wow that’s great! What’s the bad news?
Evolution: well
If I stay in bed too long my sheets eventually detach from the corner of my mattress like my bed is patting me on the back to let me know the hug is over.
I’m so forgetful, I swear I’d lose my own head if it wasn’t attached with this black velvet ribbon which you must never, ever, ever touch.
I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.
Not me, making rice krispy treats at midnight because my teen forgot to tell me she needed them tomorrow.
Any man that dates me better have my beer ready when I get home like my cats do
Not saying Lois Lane is a shitty reporter but my friend showed up without his glasses on today and I recognized him after like 20 minutes.
My husband has Tourette’s Syndrome—
every time he drives.
when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves
my nudist neighbours are moving away and selling everything and I’m thinking the washer and dryer will be worth a look
Got tired of my kids asking to go to the beach every single day so this week for family movie night, I’ve decided the kids are finally old enough to watch Jaws
“Where you going, we’re in the middle of a conversation.”
OMG! This is just the middle.
Annnnnd that’s how the fight started.
popsicle not seeing heaven 😭
The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.
Can’t we just sew all of the candidates together & have the first multi-headed president?
Every single new fish they find is gross. Why are we still looking for more? ALL THE GOOD FISH LIVE NEAR THE TOP. Give it up, idiots.
Have to write a note to my kid’s first grade teacher, and now I’m stressed out about my handwriting
batman: who do I see about this ticket?
cop: oh, I wrote it
batman: who tickets the batmobile!?
cop: you were illegally parked
batman: I was fighting crime!
cop: rules are rules
batman: I WAS DOING YOUR JOB!!!!
cop: did you see I wrote “I’m sorry” with a little heart?
Currently the sexiest person in this empty field.
SNAKE: im gonna bite you
SNAKE CHARMER: u are so sexy
S: wha-
SC: *presses finger to lips* still wana bite me?
S: *blushes* well not anymore
You know what? I’m sick of your attitude.
*Unfrenches your fries*
‘You have a choice to not be rotten’ I patiently explain to my cat who promptly responds by vomiting on the couch
Your pancakes will never taste as good as the ones your mother made because those pancakes had a secret ingredient, which is that you were six years old.
Me: Can you go tell your brother that dinner is ready?
Son: *standing one inch from my ear* DINNER IS READY!
Lucy in the Sky with Some Splainin’ to Do.
My dad called me last night and said “I’ve been reading through your tweets and I hate to break it to you but there’s no way you can run for public office now”
Playing dodgeball with kids is harder than it looks cause you have to throw them with both hands.
[Dinner with GFs parents]
*Does shadow puppet of a bird*
“Thats great but I asked what you do for a living?”
Um *smooths tie* I’m unemployed
Ramadan month is exhausting. You have to wait all day to Instagram your food.
*At the couch store
“How many loads of laundry does this one hold?”