Some Very British Problems with that tedious consequence of moving house: unpacking.
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My schedule can get pretty packed – that’s why I like to use Google calendar to keep myself organised. For example [scrolls down for45 seconds] December 25th is Christmas Day
I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.
Festive toon…
Bookshop in Fowey, Cornwall.
My husband, the world’s most notorious non- morning person, set an alarm for 4am today. Early workout? No. Big day at the office? No. Ladies and gentlemen, it’s golf. Not to PLAY golf, mind you, he set an alarm for 4am to WATCH GOLF.
grim reaper: hey man just checking in, how ar-
*camera pan to me trying to get toast out of a toaster with two forks*
grim reaper: ok yeah just come with me
Calories are way less frightening if you think of them as points and you’re going for a high score.
2020: Soooo, you’re feeling pretty good today, huh? Enjoying some down time?
Me: Yeeeaaahhh….why?
2020: How’s your back?
Me: Damn it!
2020: *teehee*
*catching up with an old friend* So how’s your gut fauna?
Well, Boatloaf, it began as a typo.
But as soon as I saw it I knew: one day it would be the name of my son.
cool hat i found in the hospital bathroom for a cowboy like myself
I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill
My gal pal: “Are you on a diet? You look so nice & thin… What’s you’re secret?!”
Me: “Poverty.”
Baller is short for ballerina
Me: hey squirrel, dnt steal d pigeon’s food, the eggs are about to hatch
S: u stole a cake frm ur roomate
Me:
Me: here, take the eggs too
police cars should play ice cream truck music when they’re pulling you over for something minor
Every day is a struggle to resist the overwhelming biological urge to throw a frozen watermelon into a hot deep fat fryer but yes, I’d love to help you plan a formal dinner party.
turkey? Nope. I haven’t seen a turkey
Jealousy is one of the seven deadly sins because the next thing you know you need a shovel and an alibi.
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i drink my cologne first and then spit it all over myself?
HER: i mean what else would it be
My 3-year-old wanted to wash dishes but the dishes weren’t dirty enough for her so she lost her shit. Sometimes 3-year-old’s really *takes deep breath* test your patience.
Jane Austen is short for Jane Stonecoldsteve Austen.
*gets toy out of packaging, earns engineering degree
Sorry but this is the best bird story I’ve ever read. The update is *chefs kiss*
I’m at 7%. My phone too. We both will probably die before I get off work.
People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.
Hotel room coffee is still better than that whole relationship with you
I was worried my 5-year-old would miss out on the typical, in-person social interactions by being in virtual school this year. But then, his 3-year-old brother took his crayons today, thus serving as the classroom bully.
Watched golf for two hours
before realizing that
the TV was off.
I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.