Genie: You have 3 wishes.
Me: I’ve seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way.
Genie: I promise that won’t happen. I’m so sure it won’t I’ll give you infinite wishes if it does.
Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth.
Genie: You sonofa-
You Might Also Like
Back in my day we didn’t have excessive heat warnings. We just melted into puddles and reformed when it cooled down.
Taking my dog out in below zero weather brings one thought to mind. I should have gotten a cat.
Did it again.
Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes
“Emergency Defibrillator”
As opposed to the one we keep around for fun?
So when is too soon to ask your friend if you can borrow their baby to reenact The Lion King? One day old? Two?
I love lifting but it’s so embarrassing that I’ve become a gym bro like, my parents told me I’m gonna hurt myself lifting and drinking preworkout and I was like “well I’d rather die as a lion than live as a sheep.” Wtf? I need to shut up like who do I think I am
I cannot escape the 45 year old man who spends millions to look 43. I don’t want to see him anymore but he is everywhere. Oh no the doorbell, it’s him he’s here
There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.
[Americas Got Talent]
ME: *reads an opinion different than mine online without getting offended*
JUDGE (under his breath): how’d he do that
my toddler should guest star on American Idol because his critiques of my singing would make Simon Cowell blush
My favorite part about sci-fi movies is when all aliens and people from other worlds only speak English
I don’t think my family will ever accept me.
First it’s “get a hobby,” now it’s “stop sacrificing our chickens to lesser-known gods.”
I want my kid to be sociable, but I don’t know where I expect him to inherit that from.
My husband bought me jewelry for Valentine’s day. He doesn’t know it yet, but that was still nice of him.
I just want what every middle-aged person wants: to remember what it was that I wanted
Would you PLEASE stop being so damn THIRSTY??
My car:
Me: NOT THIS TIME
Kids: *already running away with my pants*
When the inventor of the USB stick dies they’ll gently lower the coffin, then pull it back up, turn it the other way, then lower it again.
*robbers burst into bank*
EVERYONE PUT YOUR HANDS UPDOG
*bank manager frowns*
What’s updog?
WE’RE ROBBING THIS BANK WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
Girl: So, how many inches is it?
Pat: How many inches is what?
G: You know..
P: Uhhh, about 200 dollars long.
G: OMG, It’s so big!
[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]
When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one
Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?
Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?
Krispy Kreme is giving out free donuts to anybody who’s gotten vaccinated.
Not to be outdone, Cinnamon Toast Crunch is giving out free shrimp tails.
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday.
Did the math. Facebook is worth $100 billion and with 800 million users that puts the value of a life at $12.50. Never pay a hitman more.
Tip for twitter newbies:
Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.
wife: [kissing me] let’s roleplay
me: ok
wife: pretend you’re my daddy
me: ok
wife I’ve been a bad girl
me: why’d u marry that idiot