30 seconds left on the microwave
~ Women:
set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone~ Men:
do the space shuttle countdown
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pillsbury doughdad: [turning oven down] put a dang sweater on if you’re so cold, you naked moron
If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.
I don’t get the big deal with falling in love. I fell in love with a steak-Umm sandwich like 3 hours ago.
remember if you want to send me flowers today my favorite kind are mushroom pizza
This lady just licked her finger and wiped her daughters face…
<–Hands her some Listerine and gets in line to be cleaned
My kid asked how the Easter bunny gets inside the house and I’m very uncomfortable with the amount of lying this parenting gig requires.
Other kids wanted to be astronauts or doctors, when I was little I wanted to be a horse calendar
my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
[at DMV]
Me: *pushing my way through line* birthday boys first
Guy in line: that’s not a thing!
Clerk: actually it’s on the secret menu
Guy: wha-
Me: oh and uh *winks 3 times*
Clerk: cup or cone
Me: cone pls 🙂
Clerk: *scooping ice cream* here you go sweetie
[speaking at funeral]
Deceased’s brother: there’s no words to describe the anguish we all feel right now
Me: what about ‘anguish’?
WIFE: I’m starting to think my husband has lied about his profession.
WIFES FRIEND: Why?
[I walk through the door and hang up my McDonald’s visor]
ME: Hey honey I’m back from the lawyer factory.
If ovens self clean when the temperature inside is above 800°, why is my car still dirty?
[puts on a song to set the mood]
date: …is this the monster mash?
[napping on couch]
Son: wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok i’ll be the cops.
Son: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Son: why not?
Me: i’m waiting on a judge to sign your warrant.
Son: oh.
Me: [eyes still closed] I’ll let you know when it comes in.
my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]
me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT
not being able to fall asleep is so embarrassing. All I’m asking my brain to do is nothing and it can’t even do that?
Her: Hi! How’ve you been?
Me: Great! You?
Her: So good! Family?
Me: Great! Yours?
Her: Good!
Me: Let’s catch up soon.
Her: Definitely! Call me.Husband: Who was that?
Me: I have no idea.
Why let people drive you crazy when you know it’s in walking distance?
Nobody:
Every chicken recipe: PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND THYME
if a doctor ever tried to hit *my* knee with a tiny hammer? hoo boy… all i’m sayin is, it’s a good thing they already live at the hospital
I miss the days of Agatha Christie when rich people only murdered each other.
Her: why are you covered in egg
Me: I got into a fight
Her: did you win?
Me: yes It was over, easy
Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.
Love this young dude soundtracking his Mum’s life with his trombone.
Welcome to woodworking club, please make a seat.
If Tetris has taught me anything it’s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.
When you’re on a date that’s not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis.
You’re welcome.
If babies named Todd don’t call themselves “The Toddler” then what’s the point of having a douchebag baby name like Todd?
Ugh
Heartbreaking: Introvert sentenced to 100 hours of hanging out.