[6 month dentist visit]
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Every 6 months
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God: You’re going to Earth to live as a human
Jesus: Can I drink?
God: Yes
Jesus: Can I get married and have kids?
God: No
Jesus: Can I have a man cave?
God: Eventually *winks at angel*
Thankfully I haven’t had to go out and panic buy any food as I’ve been saving some plums in my icebox for this very occasion.
I just switched my doorbell to the sound of a shot gun loading.
Wore a push up bra to work today and now I can’t see my keyboard.
The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.
me: [waking from coma] how long was I out
doc: two years, but I have terrible news
me: what
doc: it’s still March
I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.
Going out with a girl who works in cyber security next week so I’m gonna print out all my passwords and ask what she thinks
My hair is so strong you can floss your teeth with it
– me flirting
[1st day as undercover cop]
*approaches drugdealer*
Me: “Yes hello I’d like to purchase one crack and two marijuanas please!”
*gets stabbed*
“Do you believe in evolution?”
“No”
“Global warming?”
“No”
“Racial Equality?”
“No”
“Then what makes The West superior?
“Science! Logic!”
The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.
picking up knife:
picking up knife in movie: *SHING*
I don’t always drink iced coffee, but when I do, it’s because my kids prevented me from drinking it hot so I gave up and added some ice.
email: CC
my brain: corn cob
Hate when you’re trying to take a nap and the dentist is all “Please open your mouth.”
i came here to try to be funny, but instead, i’ve made a lot of friends. i count that as a massive failure
Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.
Every day is a struggle to resist the overwhelming biological urge to throw a frozen watermelon into a hot deep fat fryer but yes, I’d love to help you plan a formal dinner party.
I know sacrifice. I’m willing to pluck a few extra hairs to get to the white ones
HUSBAND: I got the dog heart shaped cookies for Valentine’s Day.
ME: *through a mouthful of cookies* The dog?
Thanks autocorrect…clearly “I am fantasy” is a better answer than “fantastic” when asked how I’m doing…
*cuts down perfect Xmas tree*
Me: What do you think kids?
Kids: Yay!!!!!
Wife: It’s beautifulNeighbor: …what are you guys doing in my yard?
I know this is only our second date, but can I use your bathroom real quick?
Her: Of course…
*walks out 26 minutes later*
Thanks.
Owls don’t look for a mate when it’s raining because it’s too wet to woo.
ME: I’m gonna punch my boss right on the nose
PRIEST: you can’t tell me about sins in advance
I will not buy ornamental gourds this year!
I WILL NOT BUY GOURDS!*buys all the gourds (and a hay bale)
My wife just said that Twilight is better than The Lost Boys. I don’t think there’s a jury in the world that would convict me.
Yesterday there was a sign in our building lobby saying that a possum was living in our trash cans. This morning the sign was gone.
Best case scenario: The possum relocated overnight.
Worst case scenario: The possum took down the sign itself